34 Thoughts You Have During Terrible Sex

34 Thoughts You Have During Terrible Sex ©iStock/AndreyPopov

Maybe it’s a crappy one-night stand; maybe it’s just an off night with your partner — but when the sex is terrible, you just can’t shut your damn brain off. If you’ve ever been less than satisfied with what was supposed to be a steamy, orgasm-filled session but ended up being the exact opposite, you’ve probably had these thoughts:

  1. OK, here we go. Let’s do this. I already know the sex just isn’t going to be great, but it’s sex, so I’ll just keep on keeping on.
  2. Why is this kiss so slobbery? Take that tongue elsewhere, boy. You’re not a puppy.
  3. Ow! Is my lip bleeding? A nibble is sexy. Piercing my lip with your tongue is not.
  4. Oh, good. Yes, focus on the boobs. Finally, some foreplay action.
  5. Do I look like a nursing mother? Like, sucking is fine. Vacuuming is not.
  6. Ugh, I am so bored. Keep on sucking those breasts, dude. Don’t mind me. I’ll be here.
  7. OK, my lady bits need some love now. I know you like boobs, but come on. Move a little lower. Lower.
  8. Good, yes, right there. Finally, something feels good. Yes! Maybe this can be saved.
  9. Oh! I should moan. He needs to know he’s doing a good job. Good boy.
  10. That doesn’t mean stop! Why would you change what you’re doing, idiot? Moaning means keep going!
  11. I guess I should reciprocate. Here, want a handie?
  12. What do I need from the store? Chicken, yogurt, wine. Definitely wine. I’m out of wine.
  13. Do I have a drinking problem? Do people with drinking problems worry they have drinking problems?
  14. Drinking would be better than this, though. I’d be having more fun than I am right now.
  15. My wrist hurts. Seriously, how do guys jack off? This is like a freaking upper body workout.
  16. I’m just going to stop now. Let’s finish this quickly, please. I’ve got groceries to buy and wine to drink.
  17. Oral? Sure. Sounds great. You can’t screw up oral, right?
  18. Yes. Yes, you can. What the hell was that, man?
  19. This is so not sexy. This is just embarrassing at this point. Seriously, watch a how-to video.
  20. OK, just put it in me. Come on. Can we just get this over with?
  21. How long does it take to put a condom on? I’m waiting.
  22. *Hums Jeopardy theme song* Still waiting.
  23. Ow! Wait! Yeah, I wasn’t ready. Where’s the lube?
  24. No, missionary is fine. I’m way past the point of creativity.
  25. Is it too late to orgasm? This feels better. All hope is not lost.
  26. What the hell was that? All hope is lost.
  27. Hollywood is full of crap. Sex scenes are ridiculously unrealistic.
  28. Is that mold on my ceiling? I should probably get that looked at.
  29. Jeez, just come already! I’m over it! I’ve got better crap to do.
  30. Damn! That hurt! No, I didn’t need my pelvic bone. Thanks.
  31. More lube! This is so not sexy. I’m like the Sahara Desert down there now.
  32. Quick! Fake an orgasm. Maybe he’s waiting on me. Moan moan moan.
  33. Oh, thank god. Finally! We’re done.
  34. Get the hell off me. Not feeling the cuddles, dude. Just move over.
Krystal Craiker is a freelance writer-for-hire with a focus on millennial blogging and business-to-consumer content. She has been featured on Patheos and OffBeat Home, and she contributes regularly to G.U.M. (Growing Up Millennial.)