Maybe it’s a crappy one-night stand; maybe it’s just an off night with your partner — but when the sex is terrible, you just can’t shut your damn brain off. If you’ve ever been less than satisfied with what was supposed to be a steamy, orgasm-filled session but ended up being the exact opposite, you’ve probably had these thoughts:
- OK, here we go. Let’s do this. I already know the sex just isn’t going to be great, but it’s sex, so I’ll just keep on keeping on.
- Why is this kiss so slobbery? Take that tongue elsewhere, boy. You’re not a puppy.
- Ow! Is my lip bleeding? A nibble is sexy. Piercing my lip with your tongue is not.
- Oh, good. Yes, focus on the boobs. Finally, some foreplay action.
- Do I look like a nursing mother? Like, sucking is fine. Vacuuming is not.
- Ugh, I am so bored. Keep on sucking those breasts, dude. Don’t mind me. I’ll be here.
- OK, my lady bits need some love now. I know you like boobs, but come on. Move a little lower. Lower.
- Good, yes, right there. Finally, something feels good. Yes! Maybe this can be saved.
- Oh! I should moan. He needs to know he’s doing a good job. Good boy.
- That doesn’t mean stop! Why would you change what you’re doing, idiot? Moaning means keep going!
- I guess I should reciprocate. Here, want a handie?
- What do I need from the store? Chicken, yogurt, wine. Definitely wine. I’m out of wine.
- Do I have a drinking problem? Do people with drinking problems worry they have drinking problems?
- Drinking would be better than this, though. I’d be having more fun than I am right now.
- My wrist hurts. Seriously, how do guys jack off? This is like a freaking upper body workout.
- I’m just going to stop now. Let’s finish this quickly, please. I’ve got groceries to buy and wine to drink.
- Oral? Sure. Sounds great. You can’t screw up oral, right?
- Yes. Yes, you can. What the hell was that, man?
- This is so not sexy. This is just embarrassing at this point. Seriously, watch a how-to video.
- OK, just put it in me. Come on. Can we just get this over with?
- How long does it take to put a condom on? I’m waiting.
- *Hums Jeopardy theme song* Still waiting.
- Ow! Wait! Yeah, I wasn’t ready. Where’s the lube?
- No, missionary is fine. I’m way past the point of creativity.
- Is it too late to orgasm? This feels better. All hope is not lost.
- What the hell was that? All hope is lost.
- Hollywood is full of crap. Sex scenes are ridiculously unrealistic.
- Is that mold on my ceiling? I should probably get that looked at.
- Jeez, just come already! I’m over it! I’ve got better crap to do.
- Damn! That hurt! No, I didn’t need my pelvic bone. Thanks.
- More lube! This is so not sexy. I’m like the Sahara Desert down there now.
- Quick! Fake an orgasm. Maybe he’s waiting on me. Moan moan moan.
- Oh, thank god. Finally! We’re done.
- Get the hell off me. Not feeling the cuddles, dude. Just move over.
