No one said dating would be easy, but with the technology we have today and the myriad apps we can download to help with our daily lives, it’s kind of weird that there aren’t a lot more apps available to make swimming the dating pool little easier. Pay attention, super smart person out there who knows how to make apps, because we’re straight up giving away great ideas that are bound to make you a millionaire.
FreakDar We’ve all been there before. You’re out with someone and the date’s going great! The conversation is flowing and eventually, it leads to the topic of hobbies. That’s when he suddenly blurts out, “I’m a furry.” Come again? If only there was something to let you know ahead of time that this debonair accountant only gets wood when he wears a chicken costume to bed – an app you can customize that gives you a warning for freaky fetishes. On the other side of the coin, you can also use it to find like-minded freaks like you, because you can’t be the only one who has a thing for fruit roll-ups, right?
Peen-Sta-Gram Ah, penis pictures. What would we do without them, ladies? Wouldn’t life be a little less magical if we didn’t get at least one (or ten) badly lit, close up photos of a stranger’s meat popsicle? After all, who wouldn’t want to open up their text and suddenly see something that more or less looks like a severed toe stuck in a drain full of hair? The answer to that is “ALL women” and yet, here we are, living in a world where random penises invade our phones and singe our eyeballs. There needs to be an app where we can at least have fun with these disgusting, unwanted gifts – an app that looks upon the male peen as a blank canvass for glitter stickers, mustaches and googly eyes and that turns a badly lit picture of a throbber into a work of art that you can then share with your friends on social media. We all need to laugh to keep from crying (and violently vomiting).
Dealbreakers Ask single girls what kind of guy they’re looking for and you’ll get varied responses. Some women know exactly what they want, while others are still busy trying to figure it out. However, almost all women know exactly what they DON’T want in a guy. Can’t see yourself with a preachy vegan? Input your own dealbreakers into this app and it’ll tell you if you’re about to go out with a kale snackin’, tofu burger-havin’ cabbage humper. This app could save all of us ladies some serious flirting hours if we knew right off the bat that the Channing Tatum lookalike you’d been eyeballing at work hates Friends and uses the term “It is what it is” all the time.
Ejector Seat A sad but true fact about dating is that it can be dangerous. Even though we have the ability to check someone’s social media profiles and do online background checks, there’s still the possibility that someone potentially dangerous/creepy can slip through the cracks. With Ejector Seat, you can input up to five people your phone will call when you need to escape a situation that might be leading up to something potentially hazardous for your health. Enter a secret 3 digit code that only you know and it will give your 5 contacts your real-time GPS location so they know exactly where you are. It will also give them the ability to communicate with each other, as well, so everyone can make sure someone’s coming to bail you out and that you’re safe.
Soul Mate Finder It’s a long shot, but if this was ever invented by a magic app genie, all the things we hate about dating would forever disappear. With just a fondle of a finger to your smart phone, you could see exactly who you’re supposed to be with and when you’re going to meet him! Feel that? It’s a burden being hoisted off your sad, single shoulders. If you know you’re not due to meet your soul mate for another 3 years, you can happily have a Netflix binge while making medium pizzas your bitch and inhaling the entire thing. Think about how much fun you would have in early relationships, unencumbered by the stupid “Is he the one?” question, knowing that the experience is just a stepping stone that’s helping you grow into the person that your soul mate falls in love with a few years from now. No more bitter break-ups and exes – there will just be smiles and consciously uncoupling people throughout the valley. Not to mention, with this app, you now know exactly when not to wear those granny panties out in public.
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