While it’s not entirely your fault for being single, dating is a two-way street, and thinking all guys are commitment-phobic horny guys is definitely not going to fill that cold stretch of your mattress. Believe it or not, some of your attitudes, behaviors and beliefs could be preventing you from finding love. Here are 5 signs that empty space at night could be your doing:
Nobody is good enough for you. He must be 6’4” with sable locks and smoldering eyes; make a six figure income (and have a six pack); be a family man who is also committed to his career; smart, adventurous, in touch with his feminine side (but not too emotional)… the list goes on and on! Where do you expect to find a man like this? Wisdom states to pick five non-negotiables you’d like in a guy, and even then you should only expect to get three. (But hey, 3 out of 5 isn’t bad, right? A 60 is still passing – nothing wrong with getting that D.) You’re definitely not going to hit all of them in one person. If you find yourself writing off guys because they don’t meet every criteria on your list, you might need to reconsider your deal breakers, or you’ll have trouble ever finding anyone.
You’re afraid of commitment. Although we as women are seemingly trained from birth to await the day we walk down the aisle towards our Prince Charming, it’s not impossible for us to be afraid of binding our lives together with someone, too. Men aren’t the only commitment-phobic culprits out there. Women walk away from perfectly good relationships for a variety of reasons – fear of making the wrong choice, fear of being tied down, fear of missing out on something better. (Seriously, who can survive having sex with the same person for the rest of all eternity? But it’s this kind of thinking that could be keeping you single.) You may have a string of lovers, but they’re either gone by the a.m. or don’t invest that much time in you the rest of the week. When a guy does express interest in something more, you say he’s too clingy, too predictable, too boring or too safe. You choose someone who you know won’t commit, because deep down inside, you don’t want to, either.
You don’t make time for relationships. The glass ceiling is begging you to shatter it, and no man is going to prevent you from accomplishing that. That’s awesome but unless you’re committed to finding balance in your life, you probably won’t find Mr. Right standing there once you break through to the other side. Women should strive for financial and personal independence, freedom and stability – these are worthy goals. But if another one of your goals in life is to find someone else to spend it with, then you can’t expect them to materialize out of thin air after letting your love life fall by the wayside. (Or else you’ll find yourself pushing forty, wondering since when shattering that glass ceiling also meant shattering your hopes at ever finding love.) Relationships take work. They take time and energy and if you’re not willing to parallel track the things that matter, then no one’s going to be claiming you as their significant other any time soon.
Your personality is kind of the worst. Negativity is your middle name. And your last name. (And the first one, while we’re at it.) Like a guy walking through a doorway with a raging hard-on, your reputation for rudeness precedes you. Maybe you’re plagued by an unrelenting thirst to be right about everything. Or perhaps you come across as a stand-offish, intimidating Ice Queen. While it’s perfectly okay to continue to behave in ways you find authentic to your true self, recognize that some men might not have the balls to put up with your abrasive personality. If you spend the majority of your time jumping down other people’s throats, you can best believe a guy isn’t going to want to be tonguing yours.
You have a fundamental distrust of men. “He says he loves me, but he probably just wants sex.” “I have no time for vainglorious manchildren.” “If another jerk-ass messages me asking if I ‘wanna nut or nah,’ I swear to god I’m never touching another penis for the rest of my life.” Whatever life experiences caused you to have such a low opinion of men, did you ever think this kind of thought process could be the cause of your perpetual singledom? While it’s true that a lot of good men are taken, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re left to scrape the crap off the bottom of the barrel. Don’t immediately assume that a guy only wants to get into your pants (or that nothing serious can come of it if you do let him into your pants). There are still some good guys out there. They might seem few and far between, but you can’t give up so easily. Give one of them a chance to prove you wrong.
Jaya is a passionate wordsmith who spends way too much money on books. Eventually she decided that to become a writer she should probably stop reading so much and actually, you know, write something. She hopes that her words make a lasting impact on her readers. You can find more of her writing here. Follow her on Twitter @JZPowell.
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