They say pictures are worth a thousand words. In the world of online dating, the photos you include in your profile are often more important than the 500 word description about yourself. In some cases (cough, Tinder, cough), the photos you choose to post are everything. After a while, you start recognizing the same pictures. Has everyone climbed Machu Picchu, taken a picture with a tiger and ridden an elephant in Thailand? If there was ever something predictable about online dating, it’s the photos that end up in 90% of profiles.
Thanks for being original, guys. And for making it easier for us to decide who isn’t getting a message back.
- The ‘Where’s Waldo’ Group Shot It’s great that you’ve got an active social life and a big circle of friends, but we’d really like to know who we’re talking to. There’s always that one guy who has 7 group photos to sift through but not a single solo picture (likely with good reason). Without abandoning all hope that you’re the hunk second from the left in picture number 4, we’ve already prepared ourselves for the fact that you’re likely the short guy with the awkward smile beside the Ben Affleck in picture number 2. Chances are, we swiped right on one of your friends. Hey, is he available?
- The ‘I Lift Things Up and Put Them Down’ We get it – you lift. But nobody cares to see the 100lb weight that you lifted over your head one time (while awkwardly grunting, of course). Aside from your circle of meathead friends, no one is interested in how much you can bench, how big your bicep is when you curl or how many presses you do on leg day. If we’ve resorted to online dating, we’re likely not interested in the gym rats that gawk at us when we’re doing squats. And we know that’s exactly who you are.
- The ‘Ex Girlfriend Collage’ Hey, who’s that girl in all of your pictures? She’s too young to be your mom, and you look awfully chummy to be siblings. Yup, it’s your ex girlfriend. The same ex you were with for the past 3 years. The same ex you almost married. The same ex you will talk about on every date. And inevitably, the same ex who is still a very central part of your life. We already know how this one ends, and it’s not with us walking down the aisle. It likely includes a long, apologetic message somewhere along the lines of “I’m not over my ex”.
- The ‘Here I Am 5 Years Ago’ All too often, women find themselves caught off guard when they meet up with someone who looks oddly familiar, but not quite the same as the guy they’ve been talking to online for the past couple weeks. And then it hits us. We’ve been catfished. We all want to put forth our best self online, but you’ve put forth your 25 year-old self. Whether you’re now bald or 20lbs heavier, it would be nice to know this before wasting our Friday night on deception. If you’re posting old photos from your prime years, you’re probably not secure with what you look like now. Most women don’t mind a bit of hair loss or even a few extra pounds, but there is nothing less attractive in a man than insecurity and dishonesty. If you don’t look like your photos, you better be prepared to buy us enough drinks until you do.
- The ‘Penis Pic’ What goes through a guy’s head when he decides to post a photo of… his other head? It’s no secret – women do not want to see your junk online. It does nothing for us. We don’t find it arousing, we are not going to send you a naked photo in return and it doesn’t make us want to meet you. Even if you have a big, thick, nicely man-scaped package, the second it becomes one of your online dating profile photos, you may as well have a hairy, pencil-width 2-incher. You are not coming home to meet the parents, you are not getting laid, heck, you are not even getting a message back. Hate to tell ya, but your trouser snake is probably just going to end up in a group chat with our besties. #sorrynotsorry
