Sex can seriously drive women nuts. It’s like there’s some kind of intellectual switch that’s flicked inside of us while we’re having sex with a guy that transforms us from a rational, intelligent, well-balanced person to an all-out 2019 combination of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and Amanda Bynes circa 2015. At the very least, we’re planning how we’ll respond when he texts us tomorrow… while he’s still in the trust of post-coital spooning. And that’s the sanest thing running through our mind.
- We stalk him on every possible social media outlet. The paparazzi have nothing on women. One of the first things we do after having sex with a guy is immediately check all of his social media accounts. Account private? No problem. We’ll find his friends and use one who has a public profile and go back as far as we have to in order to find photos of the guy, possibly his ex-gf, his graduation, etc. We’ll find any photo or status he’s tagged in and try to determine not only what he’s up to now after he slept with her, but everything about his past.
- We overanalyze every word we’ve ever said to each other. If only Freud were alive today, perhaps he could shed some light on why the hell women put ourselves through this torture. Every single word will be dissected, not only by the woman he sent it to, but by our friends, family, and therapist. Alan Turing is probably rolling over in his grave watching women try to crack the male after-sex code. “See, he misspelled a word in this sentence. Does that mean he was not paying attention when he wrote it? Does it mean he was looking at something else instead of his screen when he was typing? Do you think he was looking at another girl?” Or, “He said hope to see you soon. When is soon? Is soon like, ‘I’ll see you around’ or ‘I want to take you on another date’?” Get the 5150 hold ready.
- We envision our future wedding. Remember that scene in Bridget Jones where Daniel Cleaver’s mild flirtation with Bridget has her flashing to an image of their wedding? All women do this, or at least some version of it. Guys subconsciously want to spread their seed during the act of sex. Well, after sex, women are constantly flashing forward to our futures. Is he our lover? Our husband? What would our wedding be like? I wonder if he likes the name Evan for a girl?
- We lose the ability to think about anything else. As it was once brilliantly put by My So-Called Life’s Angela Chase, it’s so unfair that guys get to have other things on their mind when all we have is them on our mind. After sex, even the most minute, menial tasks become difficult because we can’t compartmentalize our feelings about what just happened or who it just happened with. It’s like ADHD and there’s no pill to take to tone down the side effects, unfortunately.
- We agonize over whether or not to text him. Don’t get it twisted, women will spend hours agonizing about whether or not we should say something to a guy after a sexual encounter. Men need to hunt. Men need to chase. “But shouldn’t I tell him I had fun so he isn’t scared to reach out to me? What if he thinks that I hated it and I never hear from him again?” Every single word or interaction after sex will be contemplated and validated over and over again by a third, fourth, and fifth party. Women lose all of our powers of logical reasoning after sex.
- We go on a shopping spree. “Oh my God, we slept together. He saw my best dress. He saw my nicest lingerie! I have to go shopping so the next time he sees me, he doesn’t think I’m an unfortunate extra from the last Annie movie. I have to look just as hot next time!” Girls will go on a totally unsubstantiated shopping spree and even go into debt after sex with a guy, just in the hopes that next time he sees us, we looks just as flawless. It gives a whole new meaning to bills, bills, bills.