She eats all of your food and drinks all of your booze without asking. She “borrows” your clothes and never gives them back. She has a different guy over every night and leaves used condoms hanging from the ceiling fixtures. She regularly has unprovoked psychological meltdowns and then wonders why you fantasize about dressing up like Jason Voorhees and cutting a bitch. She’s obnoxious, inconsiderate, nosy and completely clueless. She’s the crappy roommate and you’re stuck with her for the duration of your lease. Here are some tips to help you handle the situation and stay sane.
- Get a lock on your door. Most landlords shouldn’t have a problem with this. Locks are relatively cheap, easy to install and they don’t cause any damage. Those small devices will be your best friend when you need to keep a nuts, thieving ass badger out of your room. Hearing that lock click into place will be music to your ears before you leave for the day. And, you can giggle to yourself later when you picture your dumbfounded roommate jiggling your door knob and making exasperated grunts before she retreats to her treetop and starts flinging poo.
- Consider getting a mini fridge for your room. Having a lock on your door will keep the stuff in your room safe, but it’s likely open season on your food in the kitchen. That can get expensive, especially if you can barely afford to feed yourself. It’s not your responsibility to provide your bottomless pit of a roommate with an all-you-can-eat buffet of Cheez-Its and beer. A mini fridge will provide you with a nice little place to keep all of your munchies safe. Be sure to eat extra loud to make the giant middle finger to the salivating she-demon on the other side of your door more apparent.
- Buy a nice pair of ear plugs. When your moral-deficient roommate brings home yet another gas station vagrant, your first urge is probably to blast your stereo at maximum volume to drown out the unholy symphony of genital spelunking coming from her room. But, you don’t want to piss off your neighbors and get a noise complaint. That won’t do you any good in the long run. Instead, get some ear plugs or some noise-cancelling headphones. Block your ears, find your happy place and preserve what’s left of your innocence.
- Keep detailed records of any damage she causes. It’s always a good idea to take pictures and record dates if you notice your roommate damaging stuff. Some wear and tear on an apartment is normal but you definitely don’t want to get in trouble for hundreds or thousands of dollars worth of damage that you didn’t cause. Having clear, well-organized records can be of great help if your evil, conniving roommate tries to blame the damage on you. Document her incompetence and throw it in her face if she tries to pin everything on you.
- Keep your landlord in the loop. Don’t be afraid to voice your concerns about your roommate to your landlord, especially if your roommate is doing anything illegal and/or you fear for your safety. Saved email correspondence with your landlord can be useful to have if your living situation gets really ugly. It can serve as proof that you kept your landlord informed about your dumbass roommate and that you weren’t involved in any illicit activity or property damage. Your landlord won’t want a destructive person living on the property on his/her watch, and you shouldn’t have to live with someone who jeopardizes your safety and makes you feel uncomfortable 24/7. If your roommate’s behavior escalates beyond the boundaries of what you should have to put up with, speak up.
- Never lose your sense of humor about the situation. Sharing a living space with a mentally unstable howler monkey will be exhausting, annoying and frustrating as hell but you’ll have a butt load of funny stories to tell later. As long as you keep that in mind, you should be able to survive the situation without reaching for your Jason mask. Just picture yourself at a party regaling all the attendees with your compendium of hilarious roommate horror stories. Maybe you’ll turn them into a bestseller one day and get rich and you can tell your former roommate to get bent during an interview on live TV.