There’s something horribly irritating about those couples on Facebook. You know the kind. You haven’t seen her since that English lit class 10 years ago, but you somehow still know all about her first, second and third dates, every single holiday she’s been on with her boyfriend, her first anniversary, the day she got engaged and the day she got married… Oh, and the eventual divorce, of course. It’s a disaster, and it’s far more common than it should be.
- The Blatant Brag. “Came home to a warm dinner, bottle of wine and flowers… BEST BOO EVER”. Really? Do you have statistics? Is he genuinely the best? I doubt it. A little boasting is okay, especially for a big event like, you know, having a baby, buying a house, climbing Mount Everest… But the fact that he dumped a box of macaroni and cheese in a pot before you came home from work doesn’t count.
- The Double Date. Oh cool! Where’s my invite? Oh, right. I’m single. Thanks for reminding me… AGAIN. The double date status is the equivalent of the infamous Mean Girls “You can’t sit with us!” quote. We get it – you guys are all in relationships and happy. Bonus points for the heart emojis that always accompany these status updates.
- The Gym Buddies. That picture of a couple looking pristine, with perfect hair and makeup, makes you wonder what kind of workout they’re actually doing – if any. Wait – are you guys really not that serious about getting fit? Just humble bragging again? Fact: On average, men and women gain at least 15 pounds after settling into long-term relationships. Not so keen to share your stupid couple-work-out photos now, huh?
- The “This Is SO Us” Relationship Article Share. Those Buzzfeed gif-a-thons can be quite funny and cute… but that’s what Facebook messenger is for. Please, use it.
- The “It’s Complicated” Girl. Seriously? Can you say “attention seeker”? This vague status is all about getting people to ask what happened and whether you’re okay. If you’re genuinely having relationship problems, keep it off the internet and go talk to your partner. Trust me, you’ll regret sharing your drama with the world.
- The Infatuated Foodies. Those couples who go to fancy restaurants just to take pictures of their food and tag their S.O’s in are the worst. Look, I’m glad you’re having fun and the food is delicious, but seriously? You’re like the really annoying food Instagrammer, the humble bragger and the annoying couple ALL ROLLED INTO ONE. Choose an annoying stereotype and stick to it – PLEASE.
- The Over-Emotional Extroversion. “I love my baby!” “Sooooo happy to have my boo!” Ugh, gag me. I can’t help but help feel bad for all of these couples that have misplaced their phones and/or don’t know the joys of texting, Whatsapp, or basically ANYTHING OTHER THAN PUBLIC FACEBOOK STATUSES.
- The Over-the-Moon Fiancée. Just got married or engaged? Okay, great – congratulations! But needing to constantly announce to the world that you’re sorry, but the “best man ever” is “TAKENNNNNNN!!” needs to stop. Happy couples don’t need to brag about it – they’re too busy being happy to announce it every five minutes.
- The Public Breakup. Before Facebook, people used to deal with these very personal moments in very personal ways. Now, for some reason, we seem to think that broadcasting our personal lives for all the world to see is a great idea. Please, pick up the phone and call your ex or a best friend and feel free to rant away. And stay off the internet.