9 Bitchy Thoughts I Have When My Friends Get New Boyfriends

9 Bitchy Thoughts I Have When My Friends Get New Boyfriends ©iStock/teksomolika

I’ll admit it — even though I’m happy for my friends when they find love, I also tend to have some pretty negative thoughts about their new relationships sometimes. (Hey, I’m only human.) While I eventually snap myself out of bitch mode, I’ve definitely caught myself thinking the following on more than one occasion:

  1. “He’s hotter than she is.” I don’t know what he sees in her, he’s so much better looking. I mean, I guess she’s pretty. She’s got a nice face, but she could lose a few pounds. I mean, I’d never tell her that… but he’s gotta see it.
  2. “He’s got to be cheating.” The only way he’s staying with her is if he has a piece on the side. I know she doesn’t like giving blow jobs, so I can’t believe he’s satisfied. He has to be cheating, totally.
  3. I’m prettier than her — why don’t I have a hot boyfriend?” I’m way prettier than her, and I don’t have a hot guy… why don’t I have one? How does she manage to get one and I don’t? WTF?
  4. “OMG, this is so unfair.” She’s using him as an excuse to be a bad friend. She never comes out anymore, and she won’t hang out with other guys with me. God, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
  5. “They’ll never last.” This is just a temporary thing, because they can’t possibly be forever. They’re so wrong for each other — he’s such a tool and she’s such a flirt. They’ll be broken up before summer, and I’ll have my friend back!
  6. “Their photos make me want to vomit.” OMG, if they take one more kissy face photo, I’m going to unfriend her and stop following her on IG. They’re always hanging all over each another. It’s disgusting, really.
  7. “He’s only with her because she’s got money.” She has a great job and buys all of her own crap — that’s the only reason he’s with her. It couldn’t possibly be because she’s beautiful, independent and smart. Nope.
  8. “I think I should break them up.” It’s my job as her bestie to keep her from dating guys that aren’t good for her, and I don’t think he is. I mean, they seem really happy, but she’s never around anymore and it can’t be healthy to spend that much time with a guy… Of course, I can’t remember the last time I spent more than a few hours with a guy, so maybe I’m wrong. Nah. He’s got to go.
  9. “I hope they don’t get married — ugh.” I don’t think I could pretend to be happy in a bridesmaid dress at this wedding. She’d probably pick a super ugly one, anyway. Who wants to be that girl forced to wear a horrible, fluffy dress? Not me.
C. is an aspiring yogi and Ph.D student who loves her dogs, bright lipstick and to travel. Find her on IG @drparko121314