When you’re dating in a big city, you’re destined to run into some crappy guys. It’s a numbers game, really. The more men you meet, the more douche bags you will have to deal with, and there are some big city-specific douches that are particularly obnoxious. If you’re single in a big city, you’re bound to run into these 9 obnoxious dudes:
- The transplant. The transplant is borderline traumatized for no actual reason by the fact that he isn’t originally from a big city. He’s so afraid that someone will be able to tell he’s from Tallahassee or Tulsa that he globs on to some weird stereotype of what he thinks a big city guy is. He makes a point of sharing his extensive geographical knowledge of his new city with you, and lets you know that he’s been to every bar and restaurant so many times. He makes you feel silly for getting excited about anything, because he’s so over everything already. You just don’t understand, because you’re not as New York/L.A./Philly as he is. He literally never stops talking about the city, out of fear that someone might ask him where he’s actually from if he stops talking for 15 seconds.
- Pro-gentrification guy. He’s so excited about discovering his new neighborhood while it still only costs one limb to move in. He’s constantly talking about why his spot is superior to everyone else’s, and brags about how “authentic” everything feels. He doesn’t understand why the families that live there don’t want their crummy community center converted into a Whole Foods, and he can’t help but let them know how much money they could make if they would just find somewhere else for their kids to play and convert their yard into a beer garden. He’s always telling everyone at the bar how they should move into the neighborhood while they still can. In fact, he already knows a place that’s opening up — that old lady that’s lived in the apartment above him for 50 years is being evicted because she can’t afford the rent increase, and it comes with a super sweet parking space.
- The subway jerker. You’re officially a big city gal when you’ve encountered someone jerking it on public transit. Bonus points if he tries to pick you up mid stroke.
- The “influencer”. This guy is an Instagram celebrity, and can’t stop himself from telling everyone everywhere you go. He’ll embarrass you by attempting to cut in lines and get his tabs covered, and gets super pissed off if you start eating or drinking before he’s had a chance to photograph your food. He’ll force you to be his personal photographer, and you’ll spend half of your date staging the perfect “candid” shot. Don’t expect to get laid if his most recent pic didn’t get that many likes, as he’ll be way too obsessed with that failure to pay any attention to you.
- The trust fund brat. He’s basically a prince among men and a legend in his own mind. He only likes things that are expensive or exclusive, but preferably both. He’ll unintentionally insult you by buying a dress you’re expected to wear to your date or ordering for you at dinner. He’ll bore you with tales of people you don’t know partying at places you’ve never been to, and he doesn’t understand why you won’t just buy a vacation home already. It’s a great time to invest.
- The name dropper. About 50% of the words that come out of his mouth are famous people’s names. You’re not sure if his name dropping has actually successfully impressed women in the past, but it’s fun to make up names and watch him pretend like he knows who you’re talking about.
- The tour guide. He just has to take you to this restaurant and that nightclub and he just can’t believe you haven’t tried that new ramen bar that’s been open for two whole minutes. He’s appointed himself as Head of Places Worth Visiting, and no one else’s opinion matters to him. He’s already decided where you should go and where you should skip, and he insists on dragging you everywhere he likes. Your relationship is more like an odd tour of the city, where he gets paid in ego boosts from being the expert of every location.
- The socialite. Party. Drama. Shopping. Repeat. You’re never really sure if you’re hanging out with his friends or his enemies. Either way, you’re moderately concerned for the state of their livers.
- The guy that uses his career as an excuse to dump you. If a guy is honestly too busy with his career to have time for a love life, that’s totally understandable. This guy, however, just uses his job as an excuse to end things, and then two weeks later you find out on Facebook that he’s already dating someone else. Turns out he had plenty of time for dating, just not for dating you. He’s a jerk for not being honest about why he wanted to end things, especially because he knows you will find out about this lie on social media. He’ll most likely pull the same move on the next girl too when things start to get serious, as it’s a very easy out. People in big cities are very understanding about ambitious career goals, and he gets to call it quits without seeming like the bad guy. He should be honest about not looking for anything serious instead of wasting your time being a jerk and lying to avoid having a fight.
