In my brief (and awful) foray into OkCupid, I came across quote in a guy’s profile which read, “No fixer-uppers please.” I immediately found this cringe-worthy for, well, obvious reasons. But while no girl wants a guy to describe another girl in that way, it’s no secret that we often fall for guys that we feel the need to change. This works out really well every single time, obviously (said no one). There are more than a few reasons why being with someone you need to fix or change is not the best idea.
You would never change for a guy.
It’s true, right? If a guy told you to stop watching The Real Housewives ASAP and to never attend yoga ever again and to stop hanging out with your BFFs, you would laugh and never see him again. You are who you are, and you need someone who appreciates that.
If you see flaws in the beginning, they’ll only get worse later.
The first 3-6 months of a new relationship is a super magical time. You’re in a love bubble 24/7 and it’s pretty rare to see your new guy as anything less than perfect. You’re so happy to have found him, after all, and there’s also those little things called hormones that basically mess up your ability to see reason. If you manage to see his serious flaws in the beginning, they’re not going to suddenly go away later.
He knows who he is, and he’s going to stay stuck in those ways.
I’m a firm believer that you can tell pretty much right away whether a guy wants a hookup or a relationship. There are exceptions, of course, and I’ve definitely been fooled in the past, but in general, it’s true. If you think back to your first date, there are tell-tale signs and symbols. If you’re a few months into something and you want him to commit but he’s never said or done anything that proves he wants this, too – like asking to meet your friends and family, or seeing you more than once a week – then it’s hard to be surprised when he finally tells you you’ll never be his girlfriend. Don’t wait for him to change his mind. He won’t.
Even if he does change for you, he’ll resent you.
There are Relationship Guys and there are Fear of Commitment Guys. Even if you can somehow convince him to let you call him your boyfriend, there’s a good chance he’s going to resent spending Sunday mornings going to brunch with you instead of sleeping in and watching sports with his bros. You can bet that the first argument you two have will be him saying you’re smothering him and all that stereotypical B.S. Don’t give him the opportunity and don’t date anyone you don’t think is a good match.
Neither of you will be happy if you’re constantly nagging him.
All unhappy married couples have one thing in common: the wife usually nags her husband a ton, and he resents her for it, and all the love and affection and respect that once existed is totally gone. Constantly asking your new guy to work out and lose weight, for example, is a waste of time because he’s going to get super annoyed pretty fast that you won’t stop bugging him. You may be coming from a good place and want what’s best for him, but he won’t see it that way.
His problems have nothing to do with you.
It’s not impossible to be with someone who’s got problems. Many couples go through hard stuff and manage to survive and be stronger because of it. But if you’re with someone who has issues and has no interest in getting better, you’re the one who is going to get hurt. It will be too much to see him suffer and not be able to do anything for him. This is why timing is so crucial to who we end up with. If he really seems like the right guy for you but he’s struggling with something, it could be that it’s just not your time.
You’ll never truly accept him for who he is.
No couple that has managed to survive the twists and turns of romance and has been together seemingly forever has done so because the girl forced the guy to completely change and do whatever she wanted to make himself into the perfect man. If you can’t accept him for who he really is, even if he has some flaws (and who doesn’t?), then say goodbye.
If he wants to fit you into his life, he will.
Guys who have been single for a while are very attached to their routines. It takes a special girl to make them decide it’s worth skipping the gym or a boys’ night out. This isn’t something you can change. He’ll either make time for you or he won’t.
Love is never simple. Don’t make it even worse.
Even the best relationships have their struggles. Why make it harder on yourself by forcing a situation that’s not meant to be? Hold out for what is right. It will come sooner than you think.
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