9 Signs You’re Way Too Old To Get Wasted

9 Signs You’re Way Too Old To Get Wasted ©iStock/skynesher

Alcohol is a devlish temptation that Earthlings have indulged in for a very long time. While exciting at first to newcomers, the culture around drinking and partying can get very wearisome after awhile. As you grow older, you begin to realize that there are many things about alcohol consumption that you don’t care for anymore. Here are some signs that you have gotten over the novelty of booze and you are way too old to be getting wasted:

  1. College-aged people annoy you. Many of them seem to plan their lives around drinking instead of the other way around. You did this once too, but now the concept is foreign to you. The carefree, eager nature of college kids irritates you because their lives seem so much simpler than yours and you can no longer connect with people that age. Even if you’re just a few years older than them, their bottomless appetites for alcohol make you feel ancient.
  2. Drinking is absolutely exhausting to you. You can’t handle parties and their aftermath like you used to. Instead of being fun, drinking has become a process that you have to prepare for meticulously, because you can’t just go out and do it and see where the night takes you. You have responsibilities and don’t have the time to lay around in bed the day after with a soul-crushing hangover. This is beyond tiring for you, and you don’t have the energy for it.
  3. You have stuff to do. Even if you wanted to get wasted, you just don’t have the time. This “adult” thing takes up most of your life and there is little room for chugging 40s and taking huge bong hits on a regular basis. There are errands to run, dishes to wash and puppies to feed. You are a busy bee and you can’t drop everything to systematically destroy your liver.
  4. You think hard-partying people are lame. All they talk about is the next party, what happened at last night’s party, and how, like, totally wasted they got. Then, they reiterate all of this on Facebook so all their friends will have this valuable information as well. Do they have nothing else going on? Holy sh*t balls.
  5. You’d rather spend your money on something else. Back in the day, having a “getting drunk” fund made you feel like a boss at money management. Now, you’d rather use your money on more important things, like new car tires or a fancy vibrator. These are the things that make adulthood fulfilling.
  6. You have no desire to get drunk anymore. Your days of actively seeking intoxication are over. You’d rather enjoy a nice beer instead of pounding back countless cheap ones. When you buy booze, you don’t go into it thinking, “I’m going to get smashed tonight.” You think, “I’m going to pour this delicious imperial stout into a nice glass and read the badass book I just bought.” You’re so poised and refined. Keep up the expert adult-ing.
  7. You think party pictures on social media are asinine. Ooh, look at those people posing with their drinks and taking group photos at a bar on a Tuesday night! According to the 4,382 pictures they took in a single evening, their lives are overflowing with excitement and adventure. Don’t you wish you could get in on that? No. No you don’t. At all. The only thing you feel is a crippling sense of pity towards people who think it’s cool to post horrendously unflattering pictures of themselves online.
  8. You have genuine concern for your health. Adverse health problems from drinking didn’t cross your mind very often back in your prime whiskey-guzzling days. Now, you are fully aware of the calories you consume and the host of other problems that excessive alcohol consumption can cause. Your body can’t just “get over it” anymore. The hangovers you experience are far more intense than they used to be, and getting wasted just isn’t worth it. You are a mere mortal and you value your health too much.
  9. You no longer get excited about alcohol-fueled social gatherings. Many years ago, when you were less cynical and you didn’t hate the world as much, you loved going out to party and meeting new people. The desire to get wasted or high with strangers has no appeal to you now. You’d prefer a nice, small gathering at a friend’s place over a raging kegger any day. Alcohol was once the main attraction at parties, but now it’s just an unnecessary sideshow to you.
Lauren Clark is a writer and news curator based in Denver, Colorado with bylines here on Bolde and at Inside.com. While she’s vehemently anti-social media, you can find her on LinkedIn.