9 Things A Grown Man Should Never Do In Bed

Welcome to adulthood, where freedom abounds… and so do expectations. Those expectations extend to the bedroom, too. Unfortunately, there are certain bedroom errors that are way too common, even among grown men. These are some things he might do that are completely inexcusable:

Refuse to kiss you after you go down on him.

Not cool. How about a little “thank you” instead? If he thinks it’s that gross, then how exactly supposed to feel? You’re the one who was just all up in that

Try to talk you into doing something that you were initially hesitant about.

Yes means yes. No means no. No does not mean “spend the next six months haranguing me about the fact that I’m totally not into your fantasy that you developed when you were an immature eighth grader watching online sex.”

Answer his phone.

  I mean, come on. There’s really nothing that can’t wait ten minutes (or, if you’re lucky, twenty).

Insist that you shave or wax when he doesn’t have any plans to.

Equal opportunity, y’all. If this is your thing, great. But nobody except you should decide what to do with your body. Especially if they’re not willing to go through it themselves. Welcome to 2015, boys!

Ask you to be quiet. Maybe he’s got a roommate, or maybe he’s got lost neighbors.

Or maybe he still lives with his parents (ugh). But censoring you just makes you self-conscious and nervous.  You’re both grown-ups. Time to get a space of your own where you can make all the noise you want.

Lie about whether or not he enjoys something.

Look, we all want to feel like sex gods and goddesses. But the way to get there is not to pretend that everything the other does feels great. Encourage to tell you what felt good, and also what didn’t. This one works both ways, by the way.

Compare you to a previous lover.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh no he didn’t. No good can come out of this. There are some things that are just begging for a slap in the face. This is one of them.

Insist that you get on top.

Sometimes it can be sexy, but other times it just comes off as kind of lazy: “here, you do all the work.” Girl-on-top should always be on offer but never demanded.

Let his dog join you on the bed.

What. the. hell. Dog lovers may make the best boyfriends, but this is over the line. You’ve just shared an intimate experience, you’re luxuriating in post-coital cuddles, and all of a sudden Fido jumps up. And your man is ok with that. Um, hello? A) a little weird, and B) you earned those cuddles. You should at least get priority over the dog.

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