9 Things I’d Like To Say To My Annoying Perpetually Single Friend

9 Things I’d Like To Say To My Annoying Perpetually Single Friend ©iStock/kali9

We meet again, Annoying Perpetually Single Friend. Yes, I’m fully aware that you still don’t have a boyfriend. You can tell me all about the latest developments in the cataclysm that is your dating life, but I’ll just be sitting here thinking that everything about your singleness is irritating. I don’t think you’re annoying because you’re always single, I think you’re annoying because you never shut the hell up about it. I would like to say these things to you, but I probably never will because they’ll either go right over the top of your head or you’ll get pissed at me and shut down.

  1. Stop being so desperate. Surely you think desperation is unattractive as hell in men. It’s equally unattractive in women. You’ve become the female equivalent of the guy who runs around the bar at last call asking every girl there if she wants to “go party.” For the love of all things holy, just stop.
  2. You don’t have to chase every guy that looks at you. When you interact with every man you meet as if he’s a potential boyfriend, you’re coming on way too strong and setting yourself up for disappointment. Just talk like a normal person and then let things escalate if there is a mutual attraction.
  3. There’s no rush to pair up. I fool you not. Unless you made a deal with a witch, nothing bad is going to happen to you if you’re still single when you reach whatever age. You treat dating like it’s an investment instead of an adventure. You shouldn’t be making calculated moves to lock someone down as soon as you can — you should be having fun and letting things progress naturally.
  4. Everyone is sick of your BS. Your dating woes are all you ever talk about. First it was irritating, then it got dull and now it’s pathetic. I would rather listen to a hobo describe what it feels like to pull shards of glass out of his rectum than sit through another one of your self-loathing pity parties.
  5. Watching you flirt is excruciating. When you try the whole “witty banter” thing with men, you don’t come off as playful and interesting at all. Instead, there’s a terrifying instability in your eyes that strikes fear into the hearts of the poor bastards who get sucked into a conversation with you. You look like you’re going to explode if you don’t get what you want, and it’s incredibly off-putting to say the least.
  6. I would never set you up with anyone I know. There’s a good person in there somewhere, but right now you’re an oblivious, needy, emotional disaster. I actually like my male friends, and I would never point them in your direction because I don’t want them to hate me for setting them up with you and your potent craziness.
  7. If you calmed the hell down, you’d probably see where you’re going wrong. Constantly throwing yourself at men is a time-consuming and distracting task. If all your energy is going towards that, you won’t have any time to reflect on your behavior or make changes. You can’t expect better results in dating if you’re constantly repeating the same mistakes. I bet if you took a break and embraced your single status instead of trying to crush it, you’d have a life-altering epiphany and see the error of your ways.
  8. You’re becoming a very boring person. What are you going to talk about on dates if serial dating is all you ever do? No one wants to go on a second date with someone who’s incapable of contributing to the conversation because she has no life. Develop a weird fetish or read a book.
  9. If you want a good man, you should be a good woman. The kind of man you consider “ideal” wants nothing to do with you right now. If you want a boyfriend who’s easygoing, thoughtful, financially stable and healthy, then you should be the same way. It’s not fair to have sky-high standards for men when you don’t even meet those standards yourself. Be the best person you can be and you’ll find a suitable match one day.
Lauren Clark is a writer and news curator based in Denver, Colorado with bylines here on Bolde and at Inside.com. While she’s vehemently anti-social media, you can find her on LinkedIn.