We have all heard the horror stories — the dreaded embarrassing and awkward sexual encounters that we hope only exist online or in the movies. Unfortunately, they actually happen in real life when you least expect it. Here are just a few of the things I’ve been through:
He asked me to call him “Daddy.” I know some girls have daddy issues or may even like that kind of sexual talk, but I’m definitely not one of them and was NOT expecting that to come out of his mouth. That was a quick way for my lady business to shut down for the day.
I was called the wrong name. OUCH. He told me not to take it personally, but how the hell can you not when he’s calling you someone else’s name while his penis is inside you?
I queefed. Nothing can prepare you for this moment. Sure, it’s super common and not really a big deal, but the first time was super embarrassing and I’m pretty sure I cried when I got to my car. These days, of course, I just laugh it off or ignore it.
A near stranger told me he loved me. Didn’t see this one coming. I barely knew the guy and mid-pump, he grabbed my face and told me he loved me. I just kept going and pretended like I was a deaf mute. WTF?
I literally fell asleep. Whoops. I kind of felt bad about this one. Never would I have thought that I would fall asleep during one of my most favorite activities. I guess it becomes a possibility when you have one too many glasses of chardonnay.
He put on sex websites to watch while having sex with me. I like watching sex… when I’m alone. Who would have guessed that I would be getting it on with Alexis Texas moaning in the background? Not me…but it happened, and I won’t lie and say that I hated it.
I caught him watching TV. Most people I’ve been with have the TV on in the background — mostly because 90% of my hookups have started out as a Netflix and Chill date, but I digress. Mid-blow job, I look up and this guy is fully entertained… by the hockey game playing in the background.
He asked to have sex in my parents’ bed. Ew, and no. What part about having sex in a bed where I was probably conceived is sexy? NONE of it. I’m not sure if it was the thrill of it or if he was a complete psychopath, but I politely declined/broke up with him the next week.
He recited the Pledge of Allegiance. This is one of my favorite tales to tell. I know men try to hold off for as long as they possibly can, and I’ve heard of them saying it TO THEMSELVES in their head… but this guy flat out closed his eyes and started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in my face. I tried to lighten the mood by joining in, because #America.