Talking to someone on the autism spectrum doesn’t have to be awkward, but certain phrases can come off as hurtful, even if you don’t mean them to be. Words carry a lot of weight, especially when someone already feels misunderstood or judged. If you want to be more thoughtful in your interactions, here are 15 phrases you should avoid saying to an autistic person.
1. “You Don’t Look Autistic”
Autism isn’t something you can see, so telling someone, “You don’t look autistic” isn’t just unhelpful—it’s also dismissive. It tells them that you have a fixed idea of what autism “should” look like and that their experience doesn’t fit into your mold. Autism is a spectrum, and each person experiences it differently. Saying this can make them feel like you’re questioning their reality.
2. “Everyone’s a Little Autistic”
No, they’re not. When you say, “Everyone’s a little autistic,” it minimizes the challenges and experiences that come with being on the spectrum. Sure, you might relate to some traits, like being socially awkward or detail-oriented, but that doesn’t make you autistic. This phrase is a surefire way to dismiss the struggles and complexities autistic people face every day and makes it seem like their challenges are no big deal.
3. “But You’re So High-Functioning!”
Calling someone “high-functioning” might seem like a compliment, but it’s actually harmful. Autism is a spectrum, and just because someone appears to manage well in some areas doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling in others. Saying this downplays the difficulties they face and implies that they should have it easier just because they “seem fine.” It’s more nuanced than that, so steer clear of this one.
4. “You Must Be Really Good at Math (or Something Else)”
Not every autistic person is a math genius or a tech whiz. Assuming someone on the spectrum has a “special skill” just because you’ve seen it in movies like Rain Man is a stereotype. Yes, some autistic people have unique talents or specific interests, but that’s not the case for everyone. People are more than their diagnoses, so don’t box them in with assumptions.
5. “I Know Someone Who’s Autistic, You Should Meet Them”
Imagine being introduced to someone solely because you share the same medical condition—that’s what this sounds like. Just because two people are autistic doesn’t mean they’ll automatically connect. Autism affects each person differently, and assuming they’ll bond over their diagnosis can come off as patronizing. Treat them as individuals, not as representatives of their diagnosis.
6. “Are You Sure You’re Autistic?”
Questioning someone’s diagnosis is never a good idea. It implies that you know their experience better than they do, which is incredibly invalidating. Autism isn’t always obvious, especially if someone has spent years learning how to mask their traits. Whether or not they “seem” autistic to you doesn’t matter—trust that they know their own life better than anyone else.
7. “I Wouldn’t Have Known Unless You Told Me”
You might think you’re being nice by saying this, but it can feel dismissive. Autism doesn’t always show itself in obvious ways, and telling someone, “I wouldn’t have known” can imply that their struggles aren’t valid if they’re not visible to you. It’s a reminder that what you don’t see can still be very real, and comments like this may make them feel unseen.
8. “What’s Your Special Talent?”
Not all autistic people have a “special talent,” and asking this question can reduce someone to a hurtful stereotype. While some may have extraordinary skills in certain areas, it’s not a universal trait of autism. Assuming they’re like the savants you’ve seen in movies or TV can be insulting, as it focuses on a caricature rather than recognizing their unique personality.
9. “Can You Be Normal for Just a Minute?”
This phrase is incredibly harmful. It tells the person that who they are isn’t acceptable and that they need to change to make others more comfortable. Autism is part of who they are, and asking them to act “normal” is asking them to suppress their authentic self. It’s exhausting to constantly mask their true feelings and behaviors just to fit in with society’s expectations.
10. “You’re Just Using Autism as an Excuse”
Autistic people aren’t using their diagnosis as a way to dodge responsibility or get out of things. When they talk about how their autism affects them, they’re sharing real challenges. Dismissing their experience as “just an excuse” is a way of shutting down an important conversation. Instead of assuming they’re looking for a free pass, try understanding the difficulties they might be facing.
11. “You Seem So Normal”
“You seem so normal” may sound like a compliment, but it’s actually incredibly insulting. Many autistic people spend a lot of energy trying to appear “normal” to avoid being judged, which can be exhausting. Telling someone this implies that their struggles aren’t valid because they don’t fit your image of what autism looks like. Don’t reduce someone’s experience to how they appear on the surface.
12. “Is It Contagious?”
Yes, people still ask this, and no, it’s not okay. Autism is a neurological condition, not something you can catch. Asking if autism is contagious not only shows a lack of understanding but also reinforces harmful stereotypes that stigmatize the condition. It’s not a disease, and treating it like one only deepens the social barriers that autistic people face.
13. “You’re Just Being Difficult”
When someone on the spectrum is struggling to communicate or is overwhelmed, labeling them as “difficult” only adds to the frustration. Autism affects how people process information and respond to stimuli. Instead of assuming they’re being uncooperative, try to understand the reasons behind their behavior. It’s often a way of coping with situations that feel overwhelming or confusing.
14. “You’ll Grow Out of It”
Autism isn’t something you outgrow; it’s a lifelong condition. Telling someone they’ll “grow out of it” dismisses the reality of what they live with and downplays the importance of learning how to manage it. Instead of being obtuse, acknowledge that autism is something they’ll navigate throughout their life and that it’s okay to accept that as part of their journey.
15. “Why Can’t You Just Relax?”
For autistic people, certain situations can be overwhelming, and telling them to “just relax” isn’t helpful. It’s dismissive of the sensory overload or anxiety they might be feeling. Instead, offer support by asking if there’s anything you can do to help make them more comfortable. Understanding their needs rather than brushing them off makes all the difference in how they feel supported.
