13 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Avoid Saying To Friends (And Enemies)

Navigating conversations with emotional intelligence is like having a secret superpower. You know how to gauge the room, understand people’s feelings, and speak in a way that builds connections. Part of this skill involves knowing what not to say. Whether you’re dealing with a friend or a frenemy, some phrases are better left unsaid. Let’s dive into the things emotionally intelligent people steer clear of saying to keep their relationships running smoothly.

1. “Calm Down.”

Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect. If someone is upset, this phrase can come off as dismissive of their feelings. Instead of diffusing the situation, it often escalates it because people feel invalidated. Emotional intelligence involves recognizing that everyone experiences emotions differently. According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, acknowledging emotions instead of dismissing them can make people feel understood and valued, which is key to maintaining healthy relationships.

It’s more effective to try empathizing with how the other person is feeling. You could say something like, “I can see you’re upset, and I’m here to listen.” This approach shows that you respect their emotions and are interested in supporting them. It helps to create a safe space for open communication, rather than closing the door with a dismissive remark. Remember, your words can either build bridges or create walls.

2. “You Always” Or “You Never”

Starting sentences with “You always” or “You never” is a surefire way to make someone defensive. These blanket statements imply that the person is incapable of change and that their behavior is consistently problematic. Using absolutes doesn’t leave room for discussion or improvement and often leads to arguments. Emotionally intelligent people are wary of falling into this trap because they understand that nobody wants to feel pigeonholed. It’s better to focus on specific situations rather than making sweeping generalizations.

Next time you find yourself about to use absolutes, pause and think about the specific issue at hand. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try something like, “I felt unheard when we talked about that issue last time.” This way, you’re addressing a specific problem without making the other person feel like they’re constantly failing. It opens the door to constructive conversation and resolution. People are more likely to respond positively when they don’t feel attacked.

3. “It’s Not A Big Deal.”

Minimizing someone’s feelings by saying “It’s not a big deal” can be incredibly frustrating for them. What might not matter to you could be really significant to someone else. Dismissing someone’s concerns can damage your relationship with them, as people want to feel that their emotions are valid. Research by Professor Brené Brown, a leading expert on empathy and vulnerability, suggests that validating emotions is crucial for building trust and connection. By acknowledging the importance of their feelings, you show that you value their perspective.

Instead of brushing off their concerns, try asking questions to understand why this issue is important to them. You might say, “I didn’t realize this impacted you so much. Can you tell me more about it?” This invites dialogue and shows that you’re willing to understand their viewpoint. It enhances trust and encourages them to be open with you in the future. Remember, empathy goes a long way in nurturing relationships.

4. “I Told You So.”

Saying “I told you so” is a quick way to damage your credibility as a supportive friend. Even if you were right, rubbing it in someone’s face isn’t going to make your relationship stronger. This phrase can make the other person feel belittled and embarrassed, possibly leading to resentment. Emotionally intelligent people understand that it’s more important to be supportive than to be right. No one likes to feel like they’re being lectured or condescended to.

Instead of pointing out that you were right, use this as an opportunity to provide support or guidance. You could say something like, “I know this didn’t go as planned, but let’s figure out a way forward together.” This approach shows that you’re on their side and focused on solving the problem rather than dwelling on past mistakes. It fosters a sense of teamwork and mutual respect. Remember, long-term relationships thrive on support and understanding, not gloating over being right.

5. “You Should Have…”

The phrase “You should have…” often comes across as judgmental. When you use it, you’re implying that the person made a wrong decision and that you know better. This approach can make people feel criticized and defensive, shutting down open communication. According to communication expert Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, using nonviolent communication techniques can help avoid such pitfalls. Instead of focusing on what they should have done, focus on understanding their choices and offering help.

Instead of saying “You should have done it this way,” try to express curiosity and support. An alternative approach might be, “What made you decide to go that route?” This keeps the conversation open and collaborative. It shows that you’re interested in understanding their perspective, which could lead to a more productive discussion. By maintaining a supportive tone, you encourage stronger, healthier relationships.

6. “That’s Impossible.”

Telling someone “That’s impossible” can be incredibly disheartening. It immediately shuts down any sense of possibility or hope that the person might have had. Even if a situation seems unlikely to you, it might not be impossible in the other person’s eyes. Emotionally intelligent people know that dreams and goals can be personal and subjective. They choose their words carefully to encourage rather than discourage.

When someone shares something with you that seems far-fetched, try to engage in a positive conversation about it. You might say, “It’s ambitious, but let’s explore how it might work.” This way, you’re not dismissing their ideas outright but are instead opening a dialogue about the possibilities. Encouraging exploration can lead to innovative solutions and motivate the other person. Words are powerful, and using them to uplift others can make all the difference.

7. “You’re Overreacting.”

Saying “You’re overreacting” can invalidate someone’s emotions and make them feel misunderstood. When you say this, you’re essentially telling the person that their feelings aren’t justified. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and a breakdown in communication. According to Dr. Paul Ekman, a leading psychologist in the study of emotions, recognizing and validating emotions is important for healthy interactions. Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone has different emotional triggers and responses.

Instead of dismissing their emotions as an overreaction, try to understand what’s causing them to feel this way. A more empathetic approach might be to say, “I see this is really affecting you. Can we talk about it?” This response shows that you are willing to listen and understand their perspective. It provides a platform for them to express themselves more fully. Validating emotions can go a long way toward building stronger, more authentic connections.

8. “Whatever.”

The word “Whatever” can be dismissive and signal that you’re not interested in the conversation. It suggests that you don’t care about what the other person is saying or feeling. This can lead to feelings of neglect and emotional distance in relationships. When you use this word, you’re essentially shutting down the conversation instead of fostering understanding. Emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of staying engaged and present in discussions.

When you find yourself tempted to say “Whatever,” try to refocus on the conversation instead. You might say, “Let’s think about this a bit more,” or “Can you explain why this matters to you?” This shows that you’re committed to understanding their point of view. Keeping the dialogue open encourages mutual respect and emotional connection. Small changes in language can lead to big improvements in relationship dynamics.

9. “It’s Your Fault.”

Blaming someone by saying “It’s your fault” rarely leads to a productive conversation. This phrase can cause the other person to become defensive and, as a result, communication may break down. Emotionally intelligent people focus on solving the problem rather than assigning blame. They understand that pointing fingers is unlikely to lead to a resolution. When issues arise, it’s more effective to focus on collaboration rather than conflict.

Instead of assigning blame, try framing the conversation in terms of solutions. You could say, “What can we do to fix this?” or “How can we prevent this from happening again?” These approaches show that you’re interested in finding a resolution and moving forward. It takes the focus off fault and puts it on teamwork and improvement. Working together is much more effective than working against each other.

10. “I Don’t Care.”

Saying “I don’t care” can be hurtful and alienating to the person you’re speaking with. It conveys a lack of interest in both the topic and the person, which can damage your relationship. Emotional intelligence involves recognizing that words have weight and can deeply affect others. Avoiding phrases that signal disinterest helps to maintain mutual respect and understanding. It’s important to show others that their thoughts and feelings matter to you.

Instead of dismissing the conversation, try to find a way to engage with it, even if it’s not your favorite topic. You might say, “This isn’t my area, but I’m interested in hearing what you think.” This keeps the door open for communication and shows that you respect their perspective. It encourages them to share more openly with you in the future. Relationships are strengthened through shared understanding and engagement.

11. “You’ll Get Over It.”

Telling someone “You’ll get over it” can seem dismissive of their current emotional state. It suggests that their feelings are temporary and unimportant, which can be really invalidating. Even if you think time will heal their wounds, saying so doesn’t help them in the moment. Emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of being present and empathetic. They know that offering support can be more helpful than offering predictions about the future.

Instead of brushing off their feelings, offer your support and understanding. You could say, “I’m here for you while you’re going through this. Let me know how I can help.” This approach demonstrates that you’re willing to stand by them as they process their emotions. It creates a sense of solidarity and support, which can be invaluable during difficult times. Emotional intelligence often involves choosing compassion over convenience.

12. “That’s Just How You Are.”

Labeling someone with “That’s just how you are” can be limiting and frustrating. It implies that they are incapable of change and that their behavior is predetermined. This can be particularly damaging to self-esteem and growth. Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone has the potential for change and improvement. They recognize that growth is a continuous process and avoid pigeonholing others.

When you feel tempted to label someone, try to focus on the situation instead of the person. You could say, “I noticed this behavior and wonder if there’s a way to switch things up.” This opens the door to discussion and potential change without making the person feel stuck in their current state. It encourages them to think about their actions and how they can evolve. Positive reinforcement and constructive feedback often lead to better outcomes than labels.

13. “Why Can’t You Be More Like…”

Comparing someone to another person by saying “Why can’t you be more like…” can be incredibly damaging. This phrase suggests that they are inadequate and should strive to be someone else. It can lead to feelings of resentment, jealousy, and low self-esteem. Emotionally intelligent people understand that comparisons can harm self-worth and relationships. They focus on appreciating individuals for who they are, rather than measuring them against others.

Instead of comparing someone to others, focus on their unique qualities and strengths. You might say, “I appreciate how you handle situations in your own way.” This validates their individuality and encourages them to embrace their strengths. It fosters an environment of acceptance and appreciation, rather than one of competition and inadequacy. Building others up by recognizing their unique contributions can strengthen your relationship.