Communication is important in any relationship, especially in the bedroom. I’m all about being open with my partners about what gets me off and I hope they feel comfortable doing the same. However, I’m not about taking sex tips from a one-night stand. A guy I recently hooked up with tried it and I about lost my damn mind.
- It started off well enough. In the beginning, it was all fun and games. You know how it is—you finally go home with the hot guy you’ve been ogling at the bar the last few weeks and everything seems to be working out exactly the way you’d hoped. His apartment was clean(ish) (I mean, at least there were no dirty clothes on the bed) and he immediately poured me a glass of a wine and turned on some music. I was totally into it, but as soon as we started kissing, things got a little….irksome.
- We had different kissing styles. I’m just going to come right out and say it: this guy was a bad kisser. His tongue was all over the place, he held his head in one position for way too long, and he did this thing where he was trying to run his fingers through my hair but instead he just kinda grabbed onto the sides of my face really hard. It felt more like he was trying to give me a really bad version of CPR than make out with me. Whenever I tried to subtly slow him down and show him how it’s done, he got more aggressive. He was pretty determined to do it his way. I should’ve just stopped him right then, thanked him for the wine, and hightailed it outta there.
- The “coaching” began with non-verbal cues. As I started to touch him and establish a little more dominance, I noticed that he began to move my body in certain ways, almost like he was shifting me from one spot to another. It started to feel weird after a few minutes, so I kind of anchored my weight and made it harder for him to move me. After trying and failing to move me again, I heard him sigh very loudly out of frustration. Again, this was the perfect opportunity to jet. I still don’t know why I didn’t.
- He did the dreaded head push when I started to go down on him. This should be obvious but, just in case it’s not, to all of the guys who may be reading this right now: NEVER. DO. THAT. Not only does it strain our necks, it’s like a guy’s silent way of saying we’re not doing a good enough job. Unless a girl explicitly tells a guy that she likes that and wants him to do that (I’m sure there are gals out there who are into it but I’ve I’ve yet to meet one), he should just assume that little gesture isn’t cool.
- Since I wasn’t picking up what he was putting down, he started vocalizing his demands. After a few minutes of oral, he decided to start vocally coaching me through things. It wasn’t even so much what he said, it was how he said it. It was if I’d never done this before and he was talking me through my first blow job. He’d tell me that I should try something a different way or suggest I move in a certain direction, like, what? Some people might read this and think I’m just angry that my performance wasn’t as good as I thought it was, but trust me, it was him, not me. It was his condescending demeanor and his extreme overconfidence. Still, I thought maybe if we moved on to the main attraction, he might just stop talking and enjoy the moment. Wishful thinking.
- Things got even worse when we actually started having sex. He began whispering things right in my ear. At this point, it was less teaching and more like his attempt at motivating affirmations. He would tell me I was doing a great job and that I was doing so much better? WTF? Dude, I know I’m doing a great job. I don’t need your weird encouragement. It really started to piss me off how cocky this guy was. The trippiest part was that I didn’t get those vibes from him at all when I’d met him a few weeks earlier.
- I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As soon as it was over, I all but sprinted out of his apartment. I didn’t stick around to cuddle or chit-chat and I definitely didn’t want to spend the night. This guy made me feel so inadequate that I just couldn’t stand being around him for one more second. It was almost as if he thought he was doing me a favor and giving me a much-needed lesson. His ego was so huge that I’m surprised I could even fit in the bed with him. To make matters even worse, as I was making my super lame excuse about having an early breakfast meeting, he acted like he didn’t even care that I was leaving. He didn’t even walk me to the door. I suddenly didn’t feel bad at all about smashing and dashing.
- Dudes, please don’t be that guy. Going along with the theme of advice giving, I’ve got a little tip for all the guys: please don’t be like him. Don’t assume you know how to perform your partner’s role during sex better than they can. Don’t act like you’re better than your partner whether you actually believe you are (you’re not) or whether you think it’s some sexy quality that they find irresistible (they don’t)—just be genuine. Enjoy the experience you’re having with the person you’re having it with, whether it’s the best you’ve ever had or not. Appreciate variety in your roster of lovers and just be grateful that you were able to connect with someone special and they’ve gone home with you.
- One last thing for the ladies. One more piece of advice for anyone who may happen to find themselves on my side of the equation: don’t ever stay in a situation where you feel uncomfortable. If you’re hooking up with someone who turns out to be different than you thought they were and you’re not having a good time, do both of you a favor and leave. You don’t even need an excuse—just tell them that you’ve changed your mind. Seriously, life’s too short to sleep with egomaniacs.
