I’d never claim to be amazing at relationships, but I was collossally bad when it came to a guy I was seeing a while ago. We hit it off immediately and had real potential for something amazing… until I messed it all up in less than two weeks. Here’s how:
- I over-committed on social media. After a perfect first date with this guy, I decided to upload the selfie we had taken. He was kissing my cheek and I was staring into the camera starry-eyed and full of optimism. I captioned the photo, “best night with this babe #winning #mine.” Worst mistake ever. By posting it on social media, I had turned our blossoming relationship into something more than just a date—I’d turned it into a commitment he wasn’t ready for.
- I slept with him pretty much right away.Sex with someone who’s a relative stranger is rarely good, so to add insult to a shady lay, I was placed into the “friends with benefits” category pretty much immediately. I was subsequently dumped when a girl who didn’t offer the full menu right away (you go girl!) was considered to be of better girlfriend material. I should have listened to what my mom taught me and not put out.
- I committed him to a social event. After one week, I lazily mentioned that I added him as my plus-one for my work Christmas party in December. I added salt to the wound by mentioning the color of the dress I’d bought and suggesting he get a matching tie. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, “It is only September. We don’t know where we’ll be in three months.” I  saw the smoke trail behind him as he left.
- I cried at the drop of the hat. I cry a lot, I’ll admit it. I cry at a good advertisement on the TV. Hell, I’ve even cried because my eyeliner wouldn’t do what I wanted it to do (counterintuitive, I know). Still, I think next time I’ll wait until he’s into me hook, line and sinker before I cry to him about a meme on Instagram that totally moved me because after I did, I got this text: “I think you’re just a little too emotional for me.” (Note: I cried when I received this.)
- I talked about my ex. I always do this. It started off innocuously enough, mentioning how I’d traveled to South Africa with my ex and had an awesome time on safari. However, before I knew it, I was going on about how he’s being scouted by the adult sex industry due to the size of his penis. The consequence was bruising the new guy’s ego and convincing him I’m still hot for my ex.
- I revealed too much, too soon.I literally told him about how I had an infection in my cervix and how gross all the blood and pus was at the doctor’s office. Seriously. During the first date. His cringing didn’t stop me as I continued to highlight, in gruesome detail, my entire hospital admission. Take it from me—mystery is far sexier than brutal honesty (at least about your health issues).
- I used a pet name and said it in a baby voice. Turns out calling someone bae, bubba, gum nut, squishy gorilla, sex monkey, etc. is a no-no. Who knew?
- I was way too possessive. Who’s that girl in his Facebook pic with him? I shudder to think of the hours I’ve spent deciphering the pose, comments or hashtags of said photo with my best friend. Interestingly enough, that girl ended up being his cousin and I ended up being his ex-girlfriend.
- I sent a fake text. The kind where I pretended it was meant to be sent to my best friend but that I “accidentally” sent it to him. It said something like, “Yeah babe, I would love to go dancing all night. Can’t wait to get loose!” I’m not sure what I was hoping for—perhaps that he’d want to stake his claim and make me his girlfriend? In reality, he could see straight through what I was doing and he decided he wasn’t interested in playing games. I felt super lame.
- I hooked up with his best friend. Throw a desire to impress, a few too many drinks and a late night together, and there I was putting my tongue down the throat of his best friend of 15 years. I was wrong and literally had no excuse for my behavior.
- I showed up at his house unannounced. I did this once. I was armed with freshly cut flowers and house warming gifts for his new digs. Turn out, he didn’t like surprises. I was unceremoniously asked to leave and to call when I arrived home safely. I called but he never answered. I really liked him too.
- I made a grand romantic gesture. In an attempt to salvage a relationship which began to spiral downhill after less than a week, I convinced myself that I should make a grand romantic gesture. I drove up and down the driveway which ran parallel to his apartment. I had our song, “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver, playing as loud as my Mazda 121 speakers could manage, and as I reached the edge of the driveway and hit the gear shift into reverse, I began singing at the top of my lungs. He didn’t think I was romantic, nor did it salvage our relationship. Instead, he called me a crazy bitch and blocked my number.
