After so many crappy matches on dating apps, awkward first dates, seemingly amazing guys who ghost you with no explanation, or full-on relationships with Mr. Hyde showing up months down the line, it’s hard not to want to throw in the towel and curse all men’s existence. Some days it can feel like getting a knock on the door from the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes is more likely to happen during your lifetime than finding your perfect soulmate. Here are 8 reasons why it feels easy to lump all men these days together as a whole hopeless headache.
- You can’t even trust the quiet ones. This is going to sound so shallow, but back in the day, you used to be able to count on the plainer looking or shyer types for a low-key relationship. Now, even the formerly presumed innocent ones are exempt from typical player behaviors previously reserved for hot guys with attitudes AKA the bad boys. Men these days can look like anything and have next to no qualifications going for them, yet still be cocky and arrogant as ever or treat their partner like they’re God’s gift and she’s beneath him. Money and looks are no longer prerequisites for male entitlement anymore.
- Chivalry isn’t dead, but it’s rare. It shouldn’t be a pleasant surprise when a guy holds your door open or brings you flowers. These are basic gestures to show he has respect. Guys these days don’t even want to pay for the date anymore. IMO, going dutch or trading off who covers the bill is insulting. So is showing up without dressing well and smelling good. It’s not about being superficial or gold-digging, it just shows the impression means something to him and he’s not too lazy to work for your affection. Your time and company should be valued.
- The collective male effort for planning dates is at an all-time low. Men are taking less initiative—gone are the days of men being the primary pursuer. So many are waiting to be asked out or basically force women to beg for a text back or return phone call. Even if a date is mutually agreed upon, the time and place details may remain an unsolved mystery until he physically shows up to take you out to who-knows-where. Once again, no one is expecting a limo ride to the Ritz-Carlton or anything, but it’s lazy and careless if that’s the type of comfort and a general lack of effort is lead with at the beginning of the relationship. It can only go downhill with time which isn’t much to look forward to.
- On the other hand, narcissism is at an all-time high. Background checks don’t cut it anymore. A guy’s credentials can look legit, impressive even, on paper, yet they can still be a total monster. Mama’s boys, unresolved trauma, the whole self-esteem movement, and toxic masculinity have created manipulative, compulsive liars who insist on making everything all about them. These guys just don’t want to grow up or take responsibility for anything and know next to nothing about relationship reciprocity.
- Covering up your past is easier than ever. Yes, the Internet provides multiple ways to dig up information. You’d think someone’s criminal history would be difficult to miss, but this isn’t always the case. People can move, change names, and expunge records to erase a paper trail of unsavory baggage. Even someone’s sexual offender status goes away after 20 years. Legally also, guys can terminate their parental rights or even get away with never having paternity listed and hide an entire off-record family. Just the other day, I saw a guy I personally know was jailed multiple times, scammed people, and abused hard drugs in the past pop up on Bumble. You never know what you could be getting into with transient lifestyles and less connected communities lacking deep history and longstanding interpersonal connections. Word of mouth isn’t what it used to be.
- Lies and double lives are abundant. When everyone knew each other, there was only so much that could be kept hidden. Cell phones, the Internet, dating apps and websites like Ashley Madison, traveling for work, etc. make it simple to be successful on the down-low. There are endless resources out there now to help men keep their secrets going right under your nose.
- Commitment phobia is prevalent. Endless situationships, dating 10+ years to get a ring, and high divorce rates plague the world of relationships nowadays. It’s hard to keep hope alive when even the people who found their match wind up sh*t out of luck eventually. Someone in my parenting small group recently said they felt like a minority because their children come from a two-parent home. Regular change is becoming the new norm- whether it’s jobs, cars, homes, or your boo. They should probably just adjust traditional wedding vows from “’til death do us part” to “as long as we’re still in this.”
- Dating is exhausting. Getting to seal the deal for a first date itself is nearly impossible. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few choices to consider. There’s none to be had when people drop off mid-convo, propose a vague date but never fall through, catfish, or are a fake cyber bot account. Why can’t it be like the movies where two eligible suitors fight for your love and it’s a really difficult decision to choose which one to go with? Now it’s hard to even want to date.