I Was Already Engaged When My Ex Told Me He Missed Me, And It Messed With My Head

My ex was a huge part of my life, and I loved him a lot, but he wasn’t faithful and I had to move on. We reconciled years later, and began building a pretty solid friendship. I’ve met several of his girlfriends since then, and he and my fiance have gotten to know each other too. I thought things were great between us until I got engaged. He was noticeably absent from the flood of congratulations I was receiving until a month later when he sent me a shocking message: He was happy for me, but apparently, he was holding out hope that somehow we could be together again.

  1. I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions. Deep down, I knew this was going to happen. The fact that he didn’t congratulate me on my engagement right away was a bit of a red flag. Despite my hunch, I was still overcome with a lot of conflicting emotions. I was confused. I thought we had moved past our old relationship and that he was sincerely happy with my friendship.
  2. It always feels good to be admired. I’m a little ashamed to say this, but a part of me felt a smug sense of satisfaction with his confession. It took a long time for me to get over him, and knowing that he still held a little candle for me felt like a small reward for my pain. I know happiness wasn’t the most appropriate response in the moment, but I’m human — I can’t always help how I feel.
  3. I don’t know how to tell my partner. I felt weird about introducing my ex and my then-boyfriend several years ago, but they hit it off so well. There was a little jealousy on my boyfriend’s end, but I asked him to work through it with me because my ex had become an important part of my life. I know I need to be honest, but I also think my fiance is going to feel betrayed. After all, he thought my ex was now his friend too.
  4. I’m weirdly pissed about it. Knowing what I know now puts me in an awkward position. Suddenly, I have to be the one to make the next move and it’s unfair that my ex put this kind of responsibility on me. I didn’t ask for this and now I have to be the one to deal with it.
  5. This may be the end of our friendship. After my fiance finds out about my ex’s feelings, he’s going to have every right to ask me to stay away from him. In addition to that, I feel like my friendship with my ex was a lie. Did he keep in touch with me just in case I’d find myself single and lonely again? Was our new, friendly relationship a sham this entire time?
  6. What’s up with the timing? The thing that bothers me the most about my ex’s confession is the timing. Why did he have to decide to spill his guts here and now? One month into my engagement, I was still riding the high of knowing I was marrying my best friend, and then my ex had to come in and knock me down a few pegs with this unwelcome reality.
  7. What does he expect me to do about it? My ex was a total commitment-phobe back then, so maybe this was his selfish way of getting to express his feelings without the consequence of a potential relationship blossoming. I can’t imagine he actually thought I’d give up the love of my life just to give him another shot.
  8. I don’t know where to go from here. I thanked my ex for the congratulations and that was it. I know eventually, I’ll need to address his confession, but I haven’t yet. The problem is, I know after I talk to him, I’ll probably never speak to him again. It sounds dramatic, but it’s not healthy for either of us to continue a friendship at this point.
  9. This is the revenge I wanted back then. I can’t deny it. After I broke things off with my ex all those years ago, I was enraged. I would’ve given anything to hurt him as badly and deeply as he hurt me. Now that I know he’s hurting, I just feel guilty and sad for him.
  10. He is the reason I’m so honest. Being with my ex was fun back then, but it was also unnerving. He was mysterious to the point that it always felt like he was hiding something. After I left him, I told myself that I would never make someone question my intentions or wonder about my feelings. It’s too bad it took him this long to learn that lesson for himself.
Jessica is a proud Pittsburgher that loves to drink tea and adopt cats in her spare time. She is a self-proclaimed Slytherin and would like to visit Harry Potter World as soon as possible!