Dating can be exhausting as it is, but I want something very specific. My relationship desires aren’t uncommon or unusual but it still seems to be nearly impossible to find what I’m looking for. I’m just seeking a monogamous long-term commitment — what’s so weird about that?
It just seems like I keep bumping up against people wanting anything but commitment. I’ll be all excited about a new person I met, dreaming about the future, then we have the talk about what we’re both looking for and it diverges. It seems time and time again that I’m bumping up against people who aren’t looking for commitment. Even when scanning dating apps, there are way more people looking for anything but commitment.
Some people just don’t know what the hell they want. Over and over again, I see people on dating apps who aren’t sure what they want. At least they’re explicit about it because it gives me the signal to move on. Still, it’s astounding how many people have no idea what they want and are hoping someone else can help them figure it out. No thanks. I’m holding out for someone else who has their stuff figured out.
There are some people that want the relationship to be undefined. Perhaps it’s a straight up fear of commitment, but some people say they don’t want to put labels on the relationship or define it as anything. Since all I want is commitment, this is a giant red flag for me. I’m not interested in any of the gray area BS. For me, it’s either a relationship or nothing at all.
Tons of people are living the poly life. It may be because I live in a diverse city, but scrolling through dating apps shows one poly person after another. All the more power to them, but it’s definitely not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for good old-fashioned monogamy, where another person commit and I commit to each other. This is something I won’t compromise on.
I’m not up for casual. Most recently, I was interested in getting serious with someone I had been on a few dates with and when I inquired, he said he was only interested in something super casual. That’s fine, I’m not knocking that desire, but I’m not looking for casual. I don’t even really understand what that means because I’ve always been the kind of person who’s all in or all out. I still am that way.
I’m not interested in dating someone who plans to move soon. This shouldn’t even have to be covered, right? In my opinion, if someone is planning to move really soon, it’s pretty unfair of them to strike up something romantic with another person. Nonetheless, I went on a date recently and while on the date, he told me he was moving to Thailand in two weeks. I wanted to jump up and leave the date right there. What the hell is the point then?
I’m not interested if they aren’t clear about their intentions from the start. I’m upfront within the first few dates about how I’m looking for a serious monogamous relationship. I prefer to weed people out who aren’t matches right away. If they’re ambiguous, uncertain, or clearly want something different from me, I end it right there. There’s no sense in continuing something that’ll only result in hurt feelings for me.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s my age. I’m in my early 20s. I date people close to my age, don’t really go further than 10 years above. I’m starting to think that this dating trouble might be a result of what people my age generally want. I’m not saying I can’t find someone who shares what I desire, but it’s proving to be damn hard.
Is anyone emotionally available enough for commitment? Commitment in general takes emotional availability. It requires a person to be able to process, regulate, and communicate their emotions effectively. Unfortunately, emotional availability is incredibly rare. A lot of people have too much baggage, they haven’t done the deep emotional digging, and they’re not up for the inevitable challenges.
I’m not asking for a forever promise, just a commitment for as long as it works. It may sound scary to some people that I’m looking for a monogamous long-term commitment, but it’s not a forever promise that I’m asking for. I’m only interested in someone who is up to be in a relationship and willing to do the work that comes along with that. I’m looking for someone to date for a while before we even get into that relationship, but I want someone who’s all in.
What I’m looking for isn’t that unreasonable. At the end of the day, I do feel exhausted by the lack of finding what I’m looking for, but I know that there’s still hope. After all, what I’m looking for isn’t a crazy desire. The right person will come along and want the same things as me. Then I’ll be grateful that I said no to all of those who weren’t a right fit. I was waiting for the one who is.
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