Are You A “Cool” Girlfriend Or A Doormat?

Every girl wants to be the “cool” girlfriend. It’s nice to be appreciated by both your boyfriend and his friends and praised for being relaxed. You might even be proud that you’ve somehow bypassed the standard stereotype of girlfriends being nosy and uptight and instead you’re known for being super chill. But before you realize it, your relaxed nature can be taken advantage of and that compliment can quickly spiral into disrespect. So are you actually a “cool” girlfriend or are you a doormat? If you relate to any of the following, there’s nothing cool about you.

  1. He Flirts with Other Girls In Front Of You. So many girls get a bad reputation for being jealous or possessive and it’s understandable that you don’t want to be put in that category. However, when your guy is flirting with other women right in front of you, you’re not only completely entitled to speak up, you’d be silly not to. That isn’t being jealous or crazy, it’s standing up for your expectations.
  2. He Expects You To Do Everything For Him. You are NOT his mother. If he expects to cook for him and clean up after him then he’s treating you like a maid, not a girlfriend. Love is not dependent on how much you do for someone. Be clear in setting your boundaries because a relationship should work both ways.
  3. He Seems Like He Never Wants To See You. Being a cool girlfriend and being relaxed about plans is very different to being someone’s lowest priority. You shouldn’t have to force someone to make time for you and you shouldn’t always be the one making all the plans. You shouldn’t be the only one making effort in your relationship!
  4. He Pressures You Into Doing Things You Don’t Want To Do. Whether it’s drinking, drugs, or even weird sex crap you’re uncomfortable with, if your boyfriend pressures you to be “cool” about things you’re obviously not cool about then he needs to go. He should already be able to see the “cool” in you. Whether it’s your down-to-earth humbleness or it’s your weird quirks, you have your own style of being cool and you should be able to own that around your guy.
  5. You Don’t Feel Comfortable Telling Him When You Have A Problem. Being complimented on being a cool girlfriend because you are “low drama” can lead to added pressure. You might feel that you can’t speak your mind or speak up when you have an issue because you don’t want to lose your cool reputation. Your reputation isn’t as important as making sure you aren’t holding in your feelings in the relationship. That’s bound to backfire.
  6. He Tries To Change You. Relationships are all about compromise, but the difference between being a “cool” girlfriend and a doormat really comes when he starts trying to make you into someone you’re not. That’s completely disrespecting your individuality and you need to stand up for yourself. If he can’t accept you the way that you are then he’s the one who’s not cool!
  7. He Constantly Ditches Your Plans For His Boys. A large portion of the stereotype of being a “cool” girlfriend is being able to chill with his friends and hang out, whether they’re watching football or relaxing in their local bar. Being able to ease into his friendship group IS cool, but him constantly prioritizing them over you, especially when you’ve already made plans, is a step too far. Everyone needs time with their friends, but ditching your plans to accommodate them is not right or fair.
  8. He Won’t Hear You Out When You Have Real Issues. Women are often complimented for being “cool” if they’re confident, but having confidence doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to confide in your boyfriend about your insecurities. Everyone gets insecure occasionally and you should be able to trust your guy to not judge you for feeling a bit wobbly.
  9. He Doesn’t Respect Your Sexual Boundaries. Trying new positions and fun ideas in the bedroom is really cool, but when his sexual needs become more important than your boundaries, that’s a major red flag. You should never be coerced into trying something you don’t want to do. If something makes you uncomfortable, it is cool for you to say so!
  10. He Needs You To Boost His Ego Constantly. Of course you’d be a “cool” girlfriend if his ego is constantly being stroked in your presence — but just make sure it’s not at the expense of your own well-being. If he thinks he deserves a “cool” girlfriend, he needs to be a “cool” boyfriend.
Michelle Elman is a body confidence activist, certified life coach, creator of Scarred not Scared, and founder of Mindset for Life. She’s written for publications including Cosmopolitan, Huffington Post, and Grazia and appeared on ITV’s “This Morning,” Sky News, Loose Women, and more. She’s also the author of the book “How To Say No.” You can follow Michelle on Instagram at @michelleelman, on Twitter @michelleelman, or on her website,