There’s this weird assumption that if you identify yourself on the asexual spectrum, you apparently want to remain single for the rest of your life, but that’s BS. I’m on Tinder and I love it—here’s my story.
I’m one of the rare people who didn’t join Tinder to find a hookup. Yes, I know what Tinder is and I know a significant majority of people on there to find random good-looking people to have sex with. I’m not one of those people, but I still think the app could be useful for me.
Just because I’m not into sex doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate emotional intimacy. I’m a biromantic at heart and I do love connecting with people on a deep emotional level. I love going on dates and the courtship and the romance that follows. I love cuddling and hugs and sharing secrets with one another. I love emotional intimacy, just not the sex that often comes with it. I don’t think I’m alone in that.
I’m upfront and open about my sexuality. Right now, I identify as a graysexual—someone who doesn’t ordinarily feel sexual desire but may do so in certain exceptional circumstances. Then I realized that every time I swiped right and got a match, the conversation would start by trying to explain exactly what “graysexuality” is which can get tiring after a while, especially when the guy in question refuses to acknowledge that asexuals really exist. So I switched to putting “asexual” in the hope that it’s a term people will be familiar with, and I won’t have to needlessly explain and can get on with it.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t plan on staying a virgin forever. I’m tired of people who insist that all asexuals are virgins who’ll change their minds after they meet the right person and have great sex. Yes, I’m all up for meeting my soulmate, but sex isn’t that high up on my priority list right now. That doesn’t mean I’ll always be averse to it, though.
A relationship is much more than just sex to me. Trust, loyalty, compassion, honesty, and empathy—these things are pretty important to me and I look for them in people I wish to emotionally connect or spend significant time with. I’m not anti-sex, it’s just that I’m more partial to the other things that make a relationship exciting and fulfilling.
Surprisingly, I’ve met some really interesting people I never would have otherwise. Once you get past the customary assortment of toxic losers, stalkers, and creeps, you’re likely to come across people with interesting bios who are just there because they’re lonely or just want to have a good conversation with someone new. In fact, I almost never swipe right based on looks. I usually look at their bios and if something about it catches my interest, I swipe right. People who have blank bios or loads of filtered photos of themselves uploaded never catch my interest.
I’m keen on expanding my social circle. I do like meeting new and interesting people in my city and Tinder seems a decent way to do that. Of course, there’s always real life, but hey, talking to a stranger all night about a favorite book and then deciding to meet for coffee seems fun, especially when they come across as nice, friendly, and polite.
I’m spreading awareness about asexuality. Not everyone on Tinder is a straight-up heterosexual or homosexual. Sexual identity is fluid and it exists on a spectrum, and while labels are great for identification, they don’t cover everything. There’s a lot misconception about asexuality and asexual people, especially since asexual people of color are rarely represented in popular culture, and even if they are, they’re rarely depicted in a positive light. Perhaps by using a mainstream dating app like Tinder, I’m doing my bit to raise awareness about a community that’s been largely marginalized and somewhat invisible.
Really, I’m just here to have a good time. To be honest, I wouldn’t have joined Tinder had it not been for two of my best friends talking incessantly about their experiences with the guys they encountered on the app. Some of their stories were crazy, some hilarious, and some nightmarish. I was curious so I decided to give it a try. I realized that once you learned to ignore the usual a-holes lurking on there, you can meet some really interesting people. Thankfully, you can’t send pictures on the app, which means there’s no chance of an unsolicited d*ck pic turning up and if you dislike someone, you can instantly “unmatch” them with no explanation necessary. What’s not to like?
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