1. “I Wish I Asked Myself These Hard Questions Before Ending My Marriage.”
Part of the “As Told to Bolde” series. Have a story to share? Contact [email protected]
Meet Vanessa, 42. She shares how, in hindsight, maybe she was too quick to end of her marriage.
“I thought I’d done more than soul-searching before deciding to walk away. My marriage felt dead; we barely spoke, never hung out, and I’m not even sure we liked each other. I was miserable, unfulfilled, and obsessed with wanting a fresh start. So, I asked for a divorce and moved out. Before I knew it, I was free and single like that part of my life hadn’t existed.
“Divorce gave me freedom, but also took me on a journey through the dark night of the soul. My unhealed trauma reared its ugly head, and I realized I’m always running away. Many of the issues I blamed on my marriage were about me. Would I have left if I’d unpacked my role in our problems? Did I sabotage a good thing without even trying? Was I ever really committed? I grapple with questions every day, and if I have any advice, it’s to face your stuff before blowing up your life and marriage.”—Vanessa Hayes, Chicago.
Continue reading to learn how to best evaluate a marriage and make thoughtful decisions >>
2. Is This A Bad Phase Or A Bad Pattern?
Every relationship goes through ups and downs. Some arguments are just passing storms, while others are signs of an ongoing, toxic cycle. Before making any major decisions, take a step back and assess the situation. Is this a rough patch, or is this a recurring theme in your marriage? According to The Gottman Institute, rough patches in relationships often represent consequences from a time when the relationship wasn’t a priority for one or both partners, and can serve as a wake-up call to reset and refocus on the relationship.
If it’s a pattern, leaving might be the healthiest choice. But if it’s a temporary issue, you could be making a permanent decision based on a momentary struggle. The ability to tell the difference could be the key to avoiding a decision you’ll regret.
3. Would You Be Happier Alone, Or Just Free From Responsibility?
Marriage comes with obligations, compromises, and the need to consider another person in every decision. If you’re feeling suffocated, it’s important to ask yourself: would leaving actually make you happier, or are you just craving a break from the weight of responsibility? Mental Health.com suggests that shifting perspective from blame to understanding can help couples break free from negative cycles and build stronger, more compassionate connections.
There’s a big difference between needing space and needing a divorce. If your frustrations stem from stress and burnout rather than fundamental issues with your partner, ending your marriage might not bring the relief you expect.
4. Are You Running Toward Something Better, Or Just Running Away?
It’s easy to convince yourself that the grass is greener elsewhere, but sometimes, it just looks that way because you’re not standing on it yet. Are you leaving because you have a vision for a better future, or are you just desperate to escape your current situation? According to Greg Larson, running towards a new challenge often leads to genuine change or is a manifestation of growth, while running away from an old problem perpetuates self-sabotaging patterns of the past.
If you don’t have a clear idea of what you actually want, leaving might not be the solution you think it is. Running away without a plan often leads to regrets, especially if the new reality isn’t as fulfilling as you imagined.
5. Have You Actually Said What’s Bothering You, Or Just Hoped They’d Notice?
Many people expect their partners to read their minds, then resent them when they don’t. Have you truly voiced your frustrations, your pain, and your needs, or have you just been hoping they’d pick up on the signs? According to Hey Sigmund, research has shown that people who expect a partner to mind-read are more likely to feel anxious or neglected, highlighting the importance of open communication about needs in relationships.
It’s not fair to blame your spouse for failing to fix something they don’t even know is broken. Before walking away, make sure you’ve given them the chance to hear you—and the opportunity to try.
6. Are You Mad At Your Partner, Or Mad At Your Life?
When life feels frustrating, it’s easy to take it out on the person closest to you. But sometimes, the problem isn’t your spouse—it’s everything else. Stress from work, family issues, financial struggles, or even personal dissatisfaction can all bleed into a relationship.
If your partner isn’t the actual source of your unhappiness, leaving them won’t fix it. Make sure you’re addressing the real issue before making a life-altering decision.
7. Do You Want Out, Or Do You Just Want Them To Change?
There’s a difference between wanting to leave a marriage and wanting a different version of your partner. Are you genuinely ready to move on, or do you just wish they would wake up one day and suddenly become the person you need?
If the answer is the latter, have you communicated what you need? Have you given them the opportunity to change? Walking away might feel easier, but if the relationship is worth saving, it’s worth one last honest conversation.
8. Are You Chasing A Fantasy That Doesn’t Exist?
It’s easy to compare your marriage to idealized versions of love—whether it’s from movies, social media, or even your own past experiences. But is the relationship you want actually realistic, or is it based on a fantasy?
Real love isn’t always exciting. Passion ebbs and flows. A long-term relationship requires effort, patience, and sacrifice. If you’re leaving because you expect a perfect romance, you might just find yourself in the same situation later, searching for something that doesn’t exist.
9. Is The Problem Fixable, Or Do You Just Not Want To Fix It?
Some issues in a marriage are truly unfixable—abuse, fundamental incompatibility, or irreconcilable differences in values. But many problems are solvable with communication, effort, and a willingness to grow.
Before you leave, be honest with yourself: is this something that can be repaired? And more importantly, do you actually want to repair it? If the answer is no, then you’re already out of the marriage in your heart.
10. Would You Still Leave If There Was No One Else Waiting For You?
Affairs, emotional or physical, complicate decision-making. If you’ve connected with someone new, it might be tempting to believe that leaving will lead you straight into something better. But would you still want to end your marriage if that other person wasn’t an option?
Rebound relationships rarely last, and making a decision based on temporary excitement often leads to regret. If your marriage is truly over, it should be over for its own reasons—not because you have another exit strategy lined up.
11. Are You Holding Them To A Standard You’re Not Meeting Yourself?
It’s easy to focus on what your partner is doing wrong, but are you living up to the same expectations? Are you showing up, communicating, and putting in the effort you expect from them?
If you’re demanding change but unwilling to change yourself, the problem might not be your spouse—it might be a dynamic that both of you are contributing to. True growth requires accountability on both sides.
12. Is This About Love, Or About Control?
Some people leave relationships not because they aren’t loved, but because they don’t feel in control. If your partner doesn’t act exactly how you think they should, does it make you feel disconnected?
Love isn’t about molding someone into your perfect version of them. If your unhappiness stems from unmet expectations rather than actual incompatibility, it’s worth reconsidering whether the issue is love—or the need to control how it looks.
