Asking For What You Want Is Strong & Sexy, Not Needy

The idea that you’re needy or clingy because you speak up about what you want in a relationship is ridiculous. To me, neediness is more of a personality trait; it’s not something you exhibit just by saying what you want, what you need, and what you like. A woman who knows what she wants and says it out loud is sexy as hell. It takes a strong woman to ask for what makes her happy, and maybe anybody who thinks otherwise is just insecure about themselves.

  1. Owning your own pleasure isn’t needy. Too many women are afraid to speak out about what they want for fear that their partner will take it as some sort of insult or challenge (which is stupid, but that’s another subject altogether). Once a woman reaches the point where she gives zero f*cks, that’s a show of strength. It’s beautiful. She knows what fulfills her and what she needs to feel that way. How could anyone think that’s clingy?
  2. Knowing what you need isn’t needy. That’s honestly what this sounds like to me: “Oh, you need something from me? God, you’re needy.” That’s some circular logic that makes no sense. Needing something means you need it. It doesn’t mean you’re needy; it just means that there’s a thing that makes you happy, you know it, you want it, and you’re not too shy to say so. Again, that’s sexy.
  3. Needing something isn’t needy, either. I feel the need to make this distinction. It deserves its own point. You need oxygen. Does that make you needy? The dude who calls you needy needs to eat. Is he needy? No. Needing respect, needing emotional support, needing someone to nibble your ear as you climax… those things do not make you needy. Don’t ever let anyone tell you so. If someone does, laugh in his face because all he’s good for is amusement anyway.
  4. Hearing a woman voice her desires is a huge turn-on. Try and say it’s not. In fact, this isn’t even a gender-based thing, I don’t think. Hearing someone you like tell you exactly what feels good is sexy. My wife can tell me that she needs me to take out the garbage or that she needs me to press down a little harder — either way, it drives me bonkers.
  5. Strong women speak their minds. It takes strength to say what you want. It takes confidence, a knowledge of your self-worth, and total self-assurance. Strong women aren’t clingy because they don’t need to cling. Just because you say you need something – even if it’s your partner’s love or attention – that doesn’t make you needy. It just means that you already know what you will and won’t put up with and you’re getting it out of the way.
  6. You’re not submissive just because you need something. Those two things barely go together, either. There’s nothing passive about saying what you want. On the contrary, it takes guts to put yourself out there like that. After all, as we already know, not everyone appreciates an assertive woman who knows what she wants.
  7. Assertiveness is a hard-won attribute. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that society tries to cut down assertive women. It does everything it can to put confident women “in their place.” Society likes to say that needing anything and admitting to it makes you clingy, that it’s a weakness to admit you need a thing. I say that’s BS. If you’re a woman who’s managed to hold on to your assertive nature, you’re a warrior.
  8. If you’re not vocal about what you want, how will anyone ever know? It’s a sad fact that all too often, people don’t care to ask what you need. Have you ever been with someone who assumed they knew what you needed? Was it anywhere near the mark? I’m guessing not. The truth is that if you don’t speak up and ask for what thrills you, then you might not ever get it.
  9. You’re brave for speaking out about your needs. You’re not willing to settle for less than what you need. You won’t tie yourself down to something that offers less than you deserve. Good on you. If you don’t stand up for what you want, no one else will do it for you.
  10. That kind of confidence is hotter than fire. The confidence it takes to look someone in the eye and say, “I need this, full stop. Can you give it to me?” is awe-inspiring. It’s gorgeous. At the same time, you’re saying you know what you’re worth and you can step if you’re not getting it. What’s not to love about that?
west virginia native, new hampshire transplant, parisian in the depths of my unimpressed soul. owner of an impressive resting bitch face. writer and reader. fluent in sarcasm and snark. lover of lower case and the oxford comma.