Attraction Is Important—I Can’t Date Someone Who Doesn’t Do It For Me Physically

I swiped right, liked the guy, went on a date with him… and then realized he wasn’t half as attractive as the photos on his profile. In fact, it wasn’t even close. I was totally put off and I just wanted to get the bill and go home. It sounds harsh, but I just couldn’t bear to date him because I didn’t find him attractive at all.

  1. I want the physical as much as emotional. I love a deep conversation over wine just like everyone else, but I also want to get excited about the physical moments with someone: the hand-holding, the kissing, the sex. If I’m not physically attracted to a guy, I’m not going to be looking forward to those things, which is sad and unfair to both of us.
  2. There has to be some chemistry. I’m a big believer in chemistry, and let’s be honest: when first meeting someone, most of that chemistry is enveloped in lust, that instant physical attraction. But it gets even better as time goes on because it leads to stronger connections…
  3. Lust is tied to compatibility. I think of lust as being a gateway to deeper connections—the emotional and mental kind. If there’s no physical attraction, it’s not easy for the other stuff to come into play because it just feels like we fall short in some really important ways. I’ll pull back instead of wanting to get to know him better.
  4. Physical looks aren’t that important, but… There must be some level of attraction. I’m not saying the guy has to be textbook attractive, but there has to be something that makes me think he’s easy on the eyes. This can even be something really quirky. I remember once I dated a guy who had a crooked smile that my friends thought was weird. I found it so hot! Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, as they say.
  5. I care about my sex life. If I’m not attracted to the guy, why would I want to jump into bed with him? I mean, that just doesn’t make sense to me. Really, by making sure we’re physically attracted to each other, I’m ensuring a healthy, happy sex life in the future. In that way, I think physical attraction is linked to physical compatibility between the sheets.
  6. Personality can make someone more attractive, but there’s a catch. OK, I’ve seen this happen: one minute a guy is totally average in the looks department, the next he’s freaking hot because he’s revealed such an amazing personality. But that has to happen naturally. I thought I could make it happen by dating guys I didn’t find attractive right off the bat, but the spark didn’t grow. You can’t force that stuff!
  7. I deserve to be satisfied on all levels. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m like, “OMG, he’s got such intelligence and he’s so sweet but I don’t really want to touch him. That’s OK, though.” No, it’s not!
  8. Let’s consider dating apps. If I’m on a dating app, I’m not going to swipe right on a guy who isn’t my physical type. Why would I? That would be starting on the wrong foot. He might have a great personality, but something would always be missing. I don’t see how that would be good for me. I want to feel excited about a guy inside and out before dating him.
  9. I can’t help who I’m attracted to. I once dated a great guy but he just wasn’t my type physically. I went on a first date with him and really tried to feel good about seeing him again, but I just didn’t feel a physical connection. I felt guilty for that, but I refuse to do so again. I can’t help that I’m attracted to certain guys, and neither can anyone else.
  10. Who says I can’t have the full package? If I stayed with that guy, I’d only have hurt him. We all deserve the full package—he deserved to find a woman who thought he was sexy and I deserved to feel that about someone. Who’d want to date someone who doesn’t find them attractive? That would have been terrible for him. I want someone who’s intelligent, funny, loyal, and handsome (or quirkily handsome). Why shouldn’t I have that perfect someone?
  11. Science says some interesting things about good looks. According to research published in the Psychological Science Journal, we pay more attention to people we find attractive. No surprises there, but when people were rated on physical attractiveness and then personality traits such as openness and conscientiousness, the researchers found some interesting things. When a participant thought a person was attractive, their good traits were magnified. So, if they found Roger attractive, they thought he was more open or conscientious than he really was. These findings highlight our biases towards certain people, but they also prove that by being interested in someone because of their looks, I’m more likely to notice their great personality traits. Maybe good looks are there for a good reason—they’re not about being superficial but urging us to take a deeper look at someone and see the goodness they’ve got buried deep inside. Hey, it’s worth a try.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.