My Girlfriends & I Coined The Term “Baggage Penis”—Here’s What It Means

Basically, “baggage penis” refers to when you’re dating a guy and you start to find out what his real damage is. This baggage can be emotional but is usually related to his sexual preferences, sexual hang-ups, or just outright deluded ideas he may have for how far he’s going to get on the date. Here are a few examples you might come across.

“My ex-girlfriend used to tell me I was amazing in bed.”

Well, yeah, I’m sure she did, but it doesn’t mean he actually was. And why would he say that to someone he’s on a first date with? It’s as though he thinks that just by hearing that, I’ll want to run straight home with him to find out if it’s true? This is a clear example of baggage penis. If a guy says this or anything similar, he’s trying to use his ex-girlfriend to make you feel jealous and competitive. Pay your share of the check and get out of there.

“My ex-girlfriend was a real psycho.”

Any guy who refers to his ex as a psycho has zero self-awareness of what it was he was doing in the relationship that made her behave like that. I’m not saying every woman (or man) out there is a saint, but it takes two to tango, or in this case, act like a psycho. This example of baggage penis demonstrates he’s probably still a bit hung up on the ex and hasn’t done enough emotional self-reflection to put that relationship to bed.

“My mom and I just don’t get on. Don’t ever try to fix things between us.”

This was something a guy I was on a first date with actually said to me. Lo and behold, a few dates later he mentioned he’d had an argument with his mom. Under his instruction, I didn’t take the obvious bait and try to talk to him about it. The result? He kicked off at me for being uncaring. HUGE baggage penis (pun intended). Unresolved mommy issues and hang-ups are not sexy and I got out this one quickly after that.

“I love my mom! We text all day. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

On the flip side of the mom hater is the mama’s boy. He loves his mom, but the bad news is that she’ll hate you because no one is good enough her little boy. My friend told us about her experience of meeting the guy she was dating for a third date and his mom ‘coincidentally’ turned up at the same restaurant and joined them for dinner. A few days later, the guy confessed it had been his idea. Awkward.

“I’ve slept with a lot of women. I’m not sure why I’m telling you that, but just know that I have.”

I’m not saying the guy who says this is a liar, but yeah, that’s exactly what he was. This one falls into the similar “my ex-girlfriend used to say I was amazing in bed” mindset in that he thinks that by telling you he’s a lothario, you’ll feel jealous and competitive and want to be the one that “tames him.” Any guy that says this is likely to have massive hang-ups about the very small number of women he’s actually slept with and/or a repeated erectile dysfunction issue he’s trying to handle. In a nutshell: baggage penis. You’ve been warned.

“My best friend and I go camping at least once a month together. Just the two of us. It’s a guy thing.”

You’ve seen Brokeback Mountain, right? I don’t think I need to say anything more on this one.

“My best friend’s a girl, but it’s not what you think. I mean, we met on a dating app and I was in love with her for years, but now we’re just really good friends.”

You’ll want to give the guy the benefit of the doubt on this one. At least I did. It seems sweet enough, right? That is until he insists you meet the “best friend” for a drink and she proceeds to spend the evening getting wasted and trying to humiliate you/undermine everything you say. The truth here is that she doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him, and he likes introducing new potential girlfriends to her so he can feel like she might actually reciprocate his love. These two are messed up in a whole heap of baggage penis. Get out of there!

“I’ve been told I’m a bit crude. You know, in the bedroom. I can show you later …”

This guy is not looking for his next bondage one-night stand. He’s looking to see how you’ll respond to his assertion that he’s “crude.” Will you be the cool girl to prove those other prude girls he’s dated wrong, or will you be a prude like them? My friend decided she’d try to be the cool girl. Long story short, she spent the night acting as a therapist when he bottled out of the kinky things he’d spent the night telling her he was going to do and instead broke down about how he’s never really been loved. Baggage penis.

Any unsolicited d*ck pic. Ever.

The biggest indication of baggage penis. Any guy who feels the need to photograph and send a picture of manhood out into the world has more penis hang-ups than I could ever be bothered to count. So not worth it.

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