Without a single complaint, I join my boyfriend at football games in the fall and March Madness in the spring. I grin and bear the Assassins Creed marathons on the couch and getting pelted by paintball guns, so it was time for my boyfriend to commit to some girl-friendly activities. In order to truly pay him back for those paintball bruises, I was determined to choose the most basic activities possible.
- He thought I said “bar.” After our morning avocado toast, it was time to get our sweat on, and barre class is as basic as it comes. Getting him into the barre studio was as difficult as herding cats, but once I reminded him that he seriously owed me, he sucked it up and joined. My boyfriend is as graceful as a bull in a china shop. As entertaining as this was for me and all the other women in the class, I kicked him out half-way through. I could see his “family jewels” pop out from under his basketball shorts each time he lifted his leg, which in barre class is the entire workout. On another note, he could hardly walk the next morning, which was extremely satisfying for me.
- I made him dress the part. I’m not sure if he was more upset about the khaki pants or the fact that I wouldn’t allow him to wear socks with his loafers. The finishing touch had to be the Vineyard Vines belt with whales on it. “You’re sure that grown adult males wear this?” He thought it was some sort of decoration for a little boy’s nursery.
- We took selfies everywhere. He was mortified and I was loving every second of it. A totally basic Saturday wouldn’t be complete without more than one type of camera, so I brought my polaroid and DSLR, then used portrait mode on my iPhone. A polaroid picture to him was a paintball bruise to me. Unfortunately for him, bruises will heal but selfies last forever.
- Basic bitches love brunch and my basic boyfriend did too. Brunch is the only meal that you aren’t questioned for having five drinks on the table or eating a croissant followed by a burger topped with an egg or breakfast pizza. It is home to trendy hat wearing, mimosa sipping, selfie-taking queens of all things basic. He was happy to hide his khaki pants under the table and even posted a pic of his fried green tomato eggs benedict with a cute filter. It was a proud moment.
- We went apple picking. What better way to digest after brunch than strolling around the apple orchard? The orchard was filled with women in scarves drinking cider, while physically dragging their boyfriends behind them. Before he had a moment to complain about it, I told him that Patrick Stewart goes willingly and posts pictures to Twitter. Argument over.
- We drank rosé all day. He can make fun of any basic activity but knows better than to say anything negative about rosé. I’m not sure when rosé became a thing, but as soon as it hits my lips, I feel like I’m transported to my private beach in the Hamptons. The only thing better than rosé is frosé, but it was October so that was an obvious faux pas. He had no strong opinions of the drink but did note that it paired well with the whales on his belt.
- Kale Caesars for dinner and froyo for dessert. This is where he drew the line. “No one really LIKES kale,” he said as he aggressively chewed the leafy greens with a scowl on his face. Maybe I had gone overboard by forcing kale on him, but at least I doused it with dressing and didn’t make him drink it in smoothie form, right? He forgave me as soon as he tried the frozen yogurt, which was topped with everything from Captain Crunch to gummy bears.
- We attended an art opening. By this point, he’d really gotten into character. I was half expecting him to pull out a monocle while inspecting the detail in each painting. They didn’t have rosé, so we settled for champagne, which he drank pinky up. We both agreed that art openings are pretty awesome, so at least we learned something from this experiment.
- We wrapped up the day with a Pretty Little Liars marathon on the couch. We spent the last two hours of the day with Aria, Spencer, Hannah, and Emily. He’ll never admit it, but I swear on my life that he was hooked. He asked me a million questions and admitted that Hannah was his favorite. I can now die happy.