Be Careful — Treating Him Like He’s The Best Thing Ever Isn’t Doing Your Relationship Any Favors

Sometimes that crazy high known as “falling for someone” causes us to ignore the signs a guy isn’t right for us. And sometimes we straight-up will ourselves into a state of delusion, either because we’re so eager to find someone or because a guy is hella good at playing us. Either way, if you’ve begun to suspect your knight in shining armor might actually be a loser in cheap tinfoil, here are 10 ways to tell for sure:

  1. You’re the only one who makes an effort. You initiate texts. You plan dates. You compromise. He… shows up and you feel #blessed. It’s time to get real. You deserve someone who actually reciprocates your time and attention. (It’s actually one of the leastthings you deserve.)
  2. His favorite topic of conversation is him. You know everything about his latest promotion, his high school soccer championship, the crazy things he did with his buddies last weekend — but he never asks how your day was or how you’re feeling. When you try to talk about yourself, his interest is less-than or he finds a way to redirect the conversation back to himself. Maybe you think he’s so great because that’s all he ever talks about.
  3. Your favorite topic of conversation is him.If your friends are so over hearing about him, it could mean a few things: you’re obsessed with how awesome he is; your whole life has centered on him lately; they don’t seem to get why you’re with him and you really, really want to make them see him the way you see him. Any of these things should make you check yourself.
  4. You put with crap you never would have before. He’s done things that should be dealbreakersfor you — canceling more often than he shows, getting sloppy drunk on the reg, asking to borrow large sums of cash. But somehow you find yourself writing it off because he’s otherwise amazing. Reality check: amazing guys respect you and won’t make you shrug off your standards.
  5. When your friends meet him, they’re not as thrilled as you thought they’d be. Check your bestie’s expression about five minutes into meeting the guy you’ve been talking up for weeks. If she looks confused, surprised, or is trying to smother that expression she reserves for creeps who hit on her at last call, there’s a good chance the guy you’ve introduced to her isn’t who she was expecting. And that’s a serious red flag your idea of him is more than a little fantasy-based.
  6. You keep finding yourself defending him.You defend him to your family after he flakes on meeting them for the third time. You defend him to your hair stylist, who keeps telling you to dump his ass when you swear she’s only heard “half the story.” You defend him to your coworkers when he’s a d-bag at the company party and totally humiliates you. If you have to keep convincing people he’s worth your time and energy, he probably isn’t
  7. You downplay his bad traits. You tell your family he’s nervous in social situations when he’s actually just distant and sullen. You tell your friends he has a snarky sense of humor when he actually has a habit of putting people down. You tell yourself love is unconditional when the truth is you’ve given him an unconditional pass to be a jerk. No one is perfect, but if you rush to smooth over your guy’s every move because people keep “misunderstanding” him, it’s likely you’re the one who’s clueless.
  8. You don’t feel like you deserve him. It’s one thing to be grateful for a guy who treats you well and makes you happy. It’s another to feel like you need to put on an impossibly perfect front to be good enough to be with him. When you spend too long gazing up at someone you’ve placed on a pedestal, it tends to make you feel tiny and worthless.
  9. He’s got a serious Jekyll-and-Hyde thing going on. He can be impossibly sweet… when you’ve just started dating, or he wants something from you, or he’s trying to make up for something. But more and more you’re seeing another side of him — a side that’s jealous, angry, insert-other-jerk-trait-here. Maybe he’s letting up on the nice guy act now that he knows you’ll put up with a lot, or maybe he’s always been a jerk and you’re just beginning to see it. Either way, you can do better.
  10. Your feelings change when he’s not around. When you’re together, it feels perfect. He seems perfect. But when you’re apart, doubts start creeping in and you remember all the not-so-great things he’s said or done lately. If the way you feel about him plummets when you’re alone with your gut, chances are you’re experiencing a little thing called “perspective.” Listen to it.
Kelly Gurnett is a freelance blogger, writer and editor who runs the blog Cordelia Calls It Quits, where she documents her attempts to rid her life of the things that don’t matter and focus more on the things that do. Follow her on Twitter @CordeliaCallsIt.