It’s Been Years & I’m Still Not Over Him—It’s Becoming A Serious Problem

It’s normal to date a lot of different guys as you get a handle on what you’re looking for in a relationship. Things don’t work out more often than not and that’s fine, but there’s one guy in particular that I can’t stop thinking about even though we never even kissed and the obsession is ruining my life.

  1. For me, it was love at first sight. Something told me to go to a house party some of my acquaintances were throwing. I didn’t know anyone there but figured the experience would be good for my social life. Why not branch out and meet new faces? I did and he was very cute. That night, I made a promise to get to know him better or at least exchange digits with him. By the end of the night, we knew each other’s name and were in each other’s phone. But that was all that happened.
  2. The first challenge was that he lived kinda far away. He lived about a half-hour away, which isn’t a very practical one for new acquaintances. At the time, I wasn’t bold enough to take charge and ask him to visit. Instead, we texted on occasion until I made a point to throw a party of my own.
  3. A month later, we spent all night together but never actually kissed. I had the party as an excuse to see him again and this time, the tables had turned. I was the only one he knew, meaning that we spent most of the night together. Unfortunately, the closest we got to anything happening was holding hands. At that point, it was tough to tell if he was into me or just had one too many beers. Both of us seemed to be relatively shy. He slept over but it was very casual even though others at the party could have sworn we hooked up.
  4. From there, things lost steam. We still talked but neither one of us was brave enough to make a move. We chatted online almost daily, flirted a little, and even sent each other birthday cards. Eventually, he faded away. Even worse, he wasn’t a fan of social media so I had no clue what he was doing with his life.
  5. I found out he eventually landed a girlfriend. While single within that window, he moved on and presumably dated someone who had a little more courage and was slightly more local. After that happened, all communication ceased. It’s understandable, especially if there were feelings there, but I couldn’t help but feel like I lost someone important. From there, I went a little berserk. I never contacted him but I couldn’t stop Googling him.
  6. Googling eventually lead to a wedding registry. A few years passed and it looked like he proposed to his girlfriend. Meanwhile, I had good relationships with other guys, so it’s not like I paused my entire life for the chance that they’d break up. Still, it really hurt when I realized we’d probably never get a chance together. Oftentimes in my head, I imagined what it would have been like if I just made a move that night. Would he be proposing to me?
  7. I got upset that he never cared enough to reach out to me. Unlike him, I was all over social media at that time. I was easy to find and my contact information never really changed. I found myself getting a little angry that he apparently cared for me so little to even reach out and try to catch up. I think that part of it may be because there were romantic feelings on his side and he felt as if he had to move on to the point of cutting contact completely.
  8. I still Google. It’s more for curiosity than anything else, but still, it’s been years. I haven’t found much information at all. I’m under the impression that he may have divorced his wife at this point, but since I forget her name (and feel like looking her up may be a little too much at this point in life, especially since I’m a stranger), it’s hard to verify. All I know is that there’s nothing out there, to a point where I have to wonder whether or not I made this guy up in my head. None of my pictures of those days remain and all I have are the vague memories and the way I felt that moment I met him.
  9. At this point, a reunion would probably do more harm than good. I always wonder what would happen if we randomly found each other at a place like a grocery store, much like we did at that party. Would we recognize each other? If we did, would we keep a distance? It’s so incredible to think about how much life has passed by since that last time I saw him. No matter how much we talked that night, we simply don’t know each other anymore.
  10. I know I should move on. I have, in terms of relationships, but I also know I need to move on mentally and give up the search, which is so hard to do—especially since Googling takes literally two seconds. But it’s not fair to my partner now to keep thinking about what could have been with someone else. Plus, “The One That Got Away” obviously had no problem cutting me loose. I guess it’s the mystery of it all that is keeping me intrigued. Let me be living proof in saying that sometimes, even the best mysteries will always remain unsolved.
Karen Belz is a New Jersey native who is currently living in Maryland. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Speech Communication with a focus in Broadcasting and Print Media Studies from Millersville University of Pennsylvania. Since graduating, she has written for sites like LittleThings, HelloGiggles, and Scary Mommy and is currently an e-commerce editor at Bustle.

When she's not writing, she enjoys making her phone run out of memory after taking too many photos of her dog. You can find her on Twitter @karenebelz or on Instagram @karenbelz.