I’m Beginning To Really Like Someone & My Baggage Is Sabotaging Me

Everyone has baggage but I feel like when I get involved romantically, mine kicks in majorly. Caring about a guy scares me so much that I have to work very hard at suppressing the old, dysfunctional urges that spring up. Here’s why the struggle is so real.

  1. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this. I haven’t liked anyone who actually likes me back in a long time. It’s like learning to function all over again. I’d almost forgotten that it’s possible to have my feelings for someone reciprocated! I’m so taken aback that doubts keep threatening to creep in.
  2. It feels too easy. I like him and he likes me. I’m busy but he makes sure to spend time with me. I can’t hang out until late at night so he stays up until the wee hours if needs be. I haven’t been this much of a priority to anyone in forever. There must be a catch, right?
  3. It’s so natural that I second-guess it. I feel like we settled in so easily that it can’t be for real. I’ve always heard this is how it’s supposed to be but I’ve never experienced it fully. I feel like myself around him and sadly, that terrifies me because I’m more likely to get hurt.
  4. It’s very normal and that scares me. We hang out and go watch a ball game, sit by the ocean and talk, or listen to music and cuddle. We don’t have to do anything grand and crazy in order to have fun. It’s enough to be together. I love it sbut I’m afraid that because it’s working so well, something will go drastically wrong.
  5. It’s tough to let my guard down. If I begin to go there, I realize what’s happening and I close up again. My fears get the best of me and I withdraw. I’ve never had a guy accept me at face value in this way. He’s completely willing to listen to whatever I have to say and I’m trying my best to give him the openness he deserves.
  6. It’s not at all what I expected. I didn’t know what to expect when I switched cities and began dating different types of men. The guy I ended up choosing is kind, considerate, and proactive. He’s genuine and fun. Unfortunately, that means the stakes are even higher if it doesn’t work out.
  7. It seems like he’s too good to be true. The fear and doubts definitely start to creep in. I overthink everything as it is and I’m terrified of having my heart trampled. I keep telling myself to sit back, relax, and enjoy it. That’s not as easy as it should be.
  8. It’s tough to chill out. I have a hard time relaxing at all. I’ve never been one to laze around and I’m terrible at taking downtime. When it’s that difficult in the first place, it’s doubly challenging to take a new relationship as it comes. I’m doing a lot of meditation and yoga to calm the voices in my head.
  9. It’s a fine line between confidence and stupidity. I’ve gotten much better at listening to my gut but then the nerves kick in and I can’t tell what it’s saying. Sometimes it’s quite difficult to discern between my fears, my true emotions, and my instincts. I want to proceed with quiet assurance but make sure that I’m not erring on the side of blindness.
  10. It awakens my inner cynic. I’m not gonna lie, I spend a lot of time telling my jaded, fearful brain to shut up. If I’m not careful, it’ll ruin a really good thing. I’ll be damned if I let that happen. This is going too well to let my past situations and internal issues mess with my head.
  11. It’s reminding me of all my shortcomings. It’s a lot easier to push down my insecurities when I’m single. After all, I’m not usually letting anyone close enough to have to tackle them. Sometimes I think I’m comfortable with my flaws until I realize I have to reveal them to a new person. Then I wonder if I’ve made any progress at all.
  12. It scares me that he might not stay. I have abandonment issues from my childhood. I’m well aware of them, but that doesn’t keep them from flaring up when I have strong emotions for a new person. I know that life is about loving without attachment but it’s easier said than done.
  13. It seems easier to self-sabotage than to have it fail later. I also like to try and control what’s going on in my life, even when that’s not feasible. I have to tell myself to let go and not worry so much. What happens, happens and all I can do is control my actions and reactions.
A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at amyhorton.net.