These days, everybody’s throwing around the term “basic bitch” like it’s the biggest insult in the world. The idea is that because you happen to share similar preferences with lots of other people, those preferences are somehow invalid or make you a simpleton. Obviously, that’s ridiculous.
Haven’t these people stopped to think that the reason those preferences are so common might be because they’re good? Here’s why you, too, should line up with the basic bitches and give a big, basic middle finger to anyone who judges you for it:
- Pumpkin Spice Lattes are by far the most delicious item on the menu. What’s up with this “seasonal only” nonsense, anyway? Seriously, Starbucks. Give it up, we all know you’re not actually using pumpkins straight from the patch. So stop playing hard to get. I want my pumpkin spice, and I want it all year.
- Uggs are like a big warm hug for your feet. I once wore them to work by accident after I had been wearing them to walk my dog in the morning. Nobody noticed. My biggest regret in life is not wearing them every single day after that.
- Pink wine: it’s sweet, it goes well with light cheeses (another basic bitch favorite), and you can buy it by the liter. I’ve got a giant stash of pink wine in my closet and everybody knows it. Had a rough day at work? Text me, I’ll have some waiting for you. Don’t pretend you don’t love it.
- After you’re living with someone, Zumba is the only way to dance in front of a mirror like nobody’s watching. OK, so there are 12 other basic bitches in your class, but you don’t really care about them anyway, do you? Your boyfriend, on the other hand…if he saw you, he’d either jump you halfway through the first song or make fun of you for the rest of your life. Probably both.
- If not a Longchamp bag, what are you actually supposed to carry? Seriously. They don’t get dirty, they hold everything, and you can bring them anywhere.
- You are totes swamped at work, and don’t have time to text full words this avi. Obvi.
- Adding haha to your texts makes them seem infinitely less bitchy. Are you going to Lisa’s party tonight? No, haha. What do you think about Brian’s boyfriend? He’s OK, I guess, haha.
- Instagram filters mean you save time and money doing your makeup. You thought I used them because I wanted to be artsy? Hells no. I just wanted the picture to be dark and blurry enough that you wouldn’t notice I just rolled out of bed and don’t have any makeup on.
- Chipotle Chipotle Chipotleeeeeeee. When I was living overseas, people often asked me what I missed most. The first thing I always thought of was Chipotle. Apparently the correct answer was my family. Oops.
- Because being a real person is exhausting, and sometimes you just want other people to decide for you. We’re wearing turquoise this season? Great. Alex and Ani bracelets are the new Thing? Cool. Cupcakes are out? Got it. I’d rather spend my time making decisions at my everyday, big-girl job than on the little things that really don’t actually matter.
If you’re going going to judge my entire worth based on what I drink, what bag I carry, and what shoes I wear, then I think you’re the one who’s basic. And besides, if being called a basic bitch is the punishment for having a kick-ass life, so be it. Bring it on.
