It sucks to introduce your boyfriend to your best friend and realize that you’re the odd one out, the candle-holder, the one feeling like a loser—all thanks to your friend who’s stealing the spotlight from you. That’s what my friend’s doing to me and I’m so over it. How do I tell her?
She was charming at first… until I realized she had an ulterior motive. It initially seemed like there was no malice in her actions. She met my boyfriend and she was charming and sweet. I actually liked that she seemed to approve of him! However, I’ve since realized that she’s not just charming. She’s basically flirting with him whenever he’s around and I can tell that she’s not like that when she and I are out on the town together and my boyfriend is nowhere in sight. Hmm.
She always makes herself the center of attention when he’s around. Not only does it feel like she flirts with him when he’s around but she also makes herself the start of the show. You know the type: she has to laugh and sing louder than anyone else and she has to dominate the conversation. It’s like she’s desperately trying to impress him.
She overshadows me. Around her and my boyfriend, I feel like I’m always having to compete with her to get his attention. It’s not that he doesn’t give me the time of day but I feel like if I don’t assert myself, she’ll just take over the whole dinner or evening out. It’s so exhausting. I always end up going home and feeling like I could sleep for a week. Being around her is draining and stressful.
I feel invisible around her. I decided to test out my theory that she’d take over if I stopped trying to get a word in edgewise. I stopped talking and interacting and within minutes, I felt like I was invisible as she and my boyfriend had a lively conversation about how funny the movie we’d just seen was. My boyfriend ended up bringing me back into the conversation but if it hadn’t been for him, she probably would’ve just rested her wine glass on my head or something like I was an extension of the table where we were sitting.
I’m scared he’ll find her more interesting and leave me. Hey, he’s great and he’s not the type to do that to me but I can’t help but worry that after some time, all her charm and flirtations will break him down and make him see she’s so much more interesting, talkative and vibrant than me.
It’s ridiculous—she’s being toxic. Wait, she’s not charming or vibrant. I need to stop using those words to describe her, damn it. She’s toxic! She’s acting like she’s making a play for my guy and even if she isn’t, it sure as hell is coming across that way. Maybe she’s just an attention seeker, but she can go look for attention somewhere else, thank you very much.
I don’t know how to confront her. I’ve had a few imaginary conversations with her about how her behavior is affecting me (and some were quite animated) but I’ve never actually brought it up with her. I’m not sure how to go about it. I don’t want to seem insecure or jealous. Of course, if she’s toxic, she’ll probably love that she’s been rattling me a little bit. Plus, it might make her become even more OTT around my boyfriend, which will kill me.
I don’t want to ruin our friendship. OK, so this is where things become even more complicated. Even though she’s toxic, there are good sides to her and I really love her. We’ve been friends for decades and I don’t want to get into a fight with her or hurt her feelings. I don’t want anything to get in the way of a relationship that’s been great until now.
It’s crazy because I feel like I can’t win. If I don’t do anything about how I’m feeling, this situation will just make me feel miserable. That or I’ll end up trying to keep my BF and BFF away from each other, which will raise questions from both parties, I’m sure. On the other hand, if I do something, I could risk my friendship going to hell or intensify her actions if she really is malicious. Argh! What to do?
I need to see what happens. Maybe for now I’ll sit back and see what happens. If she’s really a frenemy, then she’ll prove to be more than an attention-seeker. Until then, I’m really going to try to give her the benefit of the doubt as much as I can without letting her get to me so much.
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