I hate when people say that relationships are about more than sex, or worse, that sex doesn’t really matter. It definitely matters. I want something that makes me want to come back for more, sex that makes me go weak in the knees and gets me hot just thinking about it. I had that once, but it wasn’t with my current boyfriend and my preoccupation with it is ruining my relationship.
- I can’t think straight. Sexual chemistry can’t be taught. When it happens, it’s like two puzzle pieces fitting together. There isn’t any explanation or conversation about it—it’s like magic. But sometimes that immediate spark is a little slow to ignite. When I look back on the effortlessness of my past relationship, I yearn for it. One thought leads to another and it’s all I can think about. I’m in a full-fledged daydream about a relationship that wasn’t good for me.
- It’s making me hornier than usual. I can’t help it. Once the daydreams start, it’s hard to reel them back in. I can feel every touch, every breath, every kiss… all while sitting on my couch and hearing a song that made me think about him or scrolling through an old text message. When it’s over, I’m alone and extremely horny (or with my boyfriend, wanting something he can’t give me). Daydreaming about that sexual chemistry is more than just an orgasm, it’s about the thought of never having that again.
- The orgasm struggle is real. Too many men these are too self-absorbed to care and don’t ask or they make it too awkward to bring the topic up. I love sex but I hate the awkward conversations that sometimes surround it. Why is it awkward? Because talking about the logistics of sex isn’t sexy. The who, why, and when can bring down the mood and make sex seem daunting.
- Sexual chemistry will be the death of me. Intimacy was never an issue in my last relationship. There’s nothing like two people who just fit together—no questions, no awkward silences—being completely in sync with each other. It’s hard to come by in general but it’s even harder in my current relationship. Things don’t come as easy. It’s hard to tell someone that you didn’t have an orgasm or you weren’t satisfied, so it’s easy to think back when I didn’t have to have those conversations in the first place.
- I’m afraid to ask my boyfriend for what I want. I have no problem talking about sex in general, but when it comes to my relationship, it’s hard for me to bring it up. I love having sex with him but in the back of my mind, I’m always comparing it to the mind-blowing sex with my ex. Before I can even think about what just happened, I’m thinking about how good it could’ve been but wasn’t. The last thing I want to do is hurt my boyfriend’s feelings, but I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
- Cheating is always on the horizon. When does the fantasy become cheating? Everyone has their own definition. Once the fantasy has an emotional connection to it, the line gets really blurry. I’m always thinking about my ex and how great that sex was and I replay it over and over again in my head. The fantasy is so good, I catch myself wondering, “Should I cheat? Could I cheat?” I would hope not, but I just never know.
- I can’t enjoy the moment because of it. Bad sex isn’t good for anyone. I try to avoid it at all costs. When I’m with my boyfriend, it’s hard for me to enjoy the moment. I selfishly want every time to be the best sex I’ve ever had, and that creates a lot of pressure—on me and on him. The really crappy part is that he doesn’t really know about the pressure. Yeah, most men feel the pressure of making a girl orgasm or that she enjoys herself, but they don’t assume they’re being compared to another guy. I could really enjoy myself and possibly have the best sex I’ve ever had, but my mind is somewhere else.
- The best sex isn’t always the best sex. I know it doesn’t sound like I’m making any sense, but hear me out. Most of the time, the best sex of our lives has some baggage attached. For example, an ex-boyfriend who’s toxic, a summer fling who doesn’t want any attachment, the list goes on and on. Yeah, the great guy might not be the best sex all the time, but true intimacy with real commitment is more meaningful than one night of mind-blowing sex.
- Sex and love aren’t the same thing. These two things aren’t mutually exclusive. A lot of people will mistake sex for intimacy and think a relationship can be based on that alone. Sex can happen anytime, anywhere, with any two people. It doesn’t take much to make the actual act happen. True intimacy, sex or no sex, is harder to achieve. It takes work. Yeah, the best sex of my life was amazing, but the bottom line is, he didn’t want to put in the work to have any true intimacy and that’s why the sex was so good in the end—there were no attachments, no promises so it was easy to live in the moment. I don’t want the best sex of my life anymore. I want something more.
