My best friend recently got engaged and my vicious and intense jealousy is making it really hard for me to be happy for her. I totally feel like crap about it, but before you judge me, let me explain.
I didn’t expect to feel so strongly about it. I’m genuinely surprised at how jealous I feel—like, I feel physically envious of her. My chest is all tight when I think about her engagement and I find myself mid-eye roll amidst a very deep huff and a puff. Yep, I feel just like a toddler who’s upset that she didn’t get her way. I knew it would probably feel a little bittersweet for me, but jealousy wasn’t something I expected.
I’ve known she was going to get engaged for a while. I knew her boyfriend was going to pop the question to her for a while, so her engagement was no real surprise. He didn’t necessarily tell me, but they moved in together and she’s the type of person who would never move in with a guy unless they were going to get married. I definitely anticipated this happening but it still stings.
I hate that she gets to start the rest of her life before me. As a woman in her late twenties, it feels like everyone around me is getting engaged, married, and/or having babies. I always thought I wasn’t someone who wanted to follow that traditional path, but I want it more and more with every day that passes. So when my best friend FaceTimed me to tell me she was engaged and show me her ring, I immediately felt sad, jealous and irritated. Thankfully, I managed to mask those feelings with convincingly feigned excitement. Once again, another woman in my life is starting the rest of her life while I’m just someone’s girlfriend. When we hung up the phone, I just sat there fuming.
She struck out on, like, her second serious boyfriend. I’m currently on my fourth long-term relationship in my life and God willing, this will be my last. My best friend is marrying her second serious boyfriend! WTF? Her luck is unreal. I only know a handful of women who find their forever person in their first or second serious boyfriend. It just kills me!
I feel ashamed that I’m jealous because she’s so happy. I’ve never seen her so excited about her future or so sure about something in the dozen years that I’ve known her. All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be this happy, and it’s not that I’m not happy in my own life. I’m in a wonderful relationship with a great guy that I love very much. I just wish I was in her shoes and I’m not even close. I guess seeing someone get what you want is always hard.
Everything is falling into place for her whereas I feel like I’m struggling to get my life together. You know those people who always seem to have good things happening to them? It’s almost like they don’t necessarily have to try that hard but their life just seems always to work out for the better, like the grass is always greener on their side. Yep, that’s my best friend. Basically, I feel jealous that in addition to her engagement, so many other things are working out in her favor. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water personally and professionally.
I’m really afraid our friendship is going to change. This is my best friend in the entire world and if I’m honest, I feel like her engagement means our friendship dynamic is going to change. Her focus is going to be on her soon-to-be husband, building their life together, and having a family. As such, she won’t have as much time for me anymore. I’m insecure about being alone in this world and not having my best friend on speed dial to help me through my issues. Selfish? Yes, but can you understand where I’m coming from?
She’s knee deep in wedding planning and I wish I was. Since the engagement, she regularly calls me with updates on her venue, her dress, engagement photos, and more. She asks me for my opinion on the bridesmaids’ dresses, decor, and flowers. Honestly, I find it nauseating and I just wish it could stop. I roll my eyes everytime she calls to “vent” about the great struggle it is to choose a photographer. It’s not nauseating because it’s annoying, it’s nauseating because I’m helping plan a wedding that isn’t my own. Still, I suck it up and I help her because that is what a best friend does.
I’m going to have to get over it because the next year is gonna be all about her. As her bestie, I’m going to be by her side every step of the way. From actual wedding planning to bachelorette parties and bridal showers, I’m going to be there. I’m working on clearing my jealousy so that I can be emotionally available and bring good vibes to these memorable experiences. Venting to my other friends is definitely helping, but I’m acutely aware that at some point, I’m going to have to just get over it and keep it moving so that I can show her the genuine love she deserves.
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