I’m Bisexual, But I Finally Had To Give Up On Dating Women And Stick With Men

I knew I was bisexual by the time I was 10 years old. I’m about halfway out of the closet; my friends know, my husband knows, but I’ve never told anyone in my family. Frankly, being bisexual and being a woman isn’t easy, so back when I was in my mid-20s, I gave up on dating women entirely and just decided to admire them from afar. Here’s why:

I felt a lot of pressure to pick a side. In a country where gay marriage is legal and people are really considering allowing pot to be too, you’d think we’d all be a little more understanding and progressive. Unfortunately, most people just aren’t willing to accept that you’re bisexual without a fight.

The women I’ve dated weren’t good at communicating, and neither am I. Our society doesn’t raise women to communicate their feelings and speak their mind very well (me included). Between gaslighting and being told we’re overreacting at every turn, most of us women seem to be afraid to spell our feelings out in explicit terms. It makes dating men much easier; they’re raised to be a little more blunt in their dialogue without every other word being, “Sorry.”

Women have different expectations than men. Most women I’ve dated think about the future. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. It’s kind of like being in a serious, long-term relationship after only a few days. All of the girls I’ve been with start planning ahead within weeks. For a commitment-phobe like me, that’s scary as hell.

Most people don’t believe being bisexual is a real thing. They think you’re a straight girl looking to impress men with your bisexualism or you’re really into threesomes. Or, you’ve watched too much adult sex online. Or, you’re actually a closeted lesbian, afraid to come completely out. Even a lot of gay folks don’t see bisexualism as part of the queer spectrum.

Lesbians aren’t always accepting either. All of my dates with women have been with other bisexuals because most lesbians I’ve met seemed to see my bisexualism as a kind of cop-out, like being “half gay” somehow makes me less of a part of queer society then they are. I found this attitude hurtful, which made me even more unwilling to put myself out there.

The chances of finding love with women are much lower. The population of gay and bi women in the world is much lower than the rate of straight guys. Much, much lower. Considering only a small percent of the population is queer, it makes finding girls to date a lot of work. I don’t have time for that.

My family still hates gay couples. As a bigoted, slightly racist group of conservatives, my family would disown me if I were to settle down with a woman. It’s been a sticking point between women I’ve dated and me before. In the end, my family, backward AF though they might be, still mean more to me than any woman I’ve dated. As much as it sucks to know they wouldn’t accept me if they knew who I really was, it’s worth it to be able to spend time with my baby nieces and still be able to participate in family events.

More than 80 percent of bi women end up in straight relationships. A massive study of the queer community done by the Pew Research Center in 2013 found that 84 percent of bisexuals in committed relationships were with the opposite gender. Whether it’s to prevent discrimination or to keep your family from finding out, there are millions of reasons why us 84 percent are sticking to straight relationships.

Having a family would be a much bigger deal if I was with a woman. Although I’ve never wanted kids and never ever had any maternal instincts in my whole life, there was always the slight chance I would change my mind. Having a child when your partner for life is male is usually much easier than if that person is female. And the thought of sperm donation is kind of weird and a little gross in my opinion.

The love of my life just ended up being male. I never went out hunting for my husband or life partner or anything, we just ended up tumbling into bed together one night. He was the one-night stand that turned into something more. He just happened to be male, and I’m okay with that.

Society still prefers straight people. Although gay marriage is legal and most people in this upcoming generation are pretty cool with whatever your sexual orientation is, there are still a lot of places where gay couples are discriminated against. I live in a right-to-work state, which means your employer can fire you for any reason in the world — including something imaginary he made up because he doesn’t like “lesbos” working in his department. The thought of losing a house or a job because of who I choose to date is something I’d rather avoid entirely.

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