Being Bisexual, Sometimes I Feel I Don’t Fit In Anywhere

Bisexuality is a weird in-between. When I began coming to terms with my sexuality, it wasn’t a question of how I identified because I knew I loved all genders. What came to be a harsh smack in the face was how I was treated by both my beloved gay community as well as the straight one. I felt like I didn’t really fit in anywhere.

1. The word “biphobia” exists for a reason.According to Wikipedia, biphobia is “denial that bisexuality is a genuine orientation.” The term exists because there’s a very real misconception that bisexuality isn’t valid. There are all sorts of myths that contribute to this, like the idea that the person is really just straight or confused. Biphobia is really unfair and totally invalidating.
2. Some lesbians flat-out say they won’t date bisexual women.When I first started dating as an out bisexual woman, I had lesbians tell me that they won’t date bi women. They had all sorts of reasons like the bullsh*t that we aren’t gay enough, they can’t be with someone who’s been with a man, and that we’re just confused. Why is everyone telling us who we are and how we should be?! It’s not cool.
3. I feel not “gay enough” for the queer community.For a while, I thought my fears around not being “gay enough” for the queer community were unfounded. In hindsight, I literally had lesbians telling me this was true. In fairness, it wasn’t all lesbians, just a small handful. Still, it was enough to make an impact and to make me feel like I was doing something wrong by identifying as bisexual while also dating men.
4. I sometimes feel “too gay” to date straight men.Now, I don’t doubt my queerness. I’ve got the look: a half shaved head, short pixie, pastel colored hair, and an eclectic style. It’s pretty obvious by looking at me that there’s a good chance I date women. Honestly, I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever, but I also sometimes worry that I’m “too gay” to date a straight guy. There may be some truth to this, there are handfuls of men that are scared off by my exuberant look. These aren’t the right men for me, anyways.
5. I’ve had people from the queer community say bisexuals are too promiscuous.It stings more when I hear flack from my queer community than it does to hear it from straight people. Queer people are supposed to be the ones who understand, you know? So, when they’re the judgmental jerks, it really hurts. I recently heard someone from the queer community say that bisexuals are naturally promiscuous. This is such a weird myth. Just because I like more than one gender does not mean I sleep with everyone.
6. Some straight men see me as a sexual object.It’s been a few years since I’ve heard this one, but it’s definitely happened. Men have gotten excited when I told them that I’m bisexual, as if this automatically means a ticket to a threesome. Gross, get over yourself. I’m not a sexual object to be fantasized about or used. I’m a human who actually has no damn interest in a threesome. I like all my people separately.
7. I’ve had more experience dating men than women.I haven’t had any anyone outside me give me sh*t, but I have my own internal dialogue about what it means that I’ve dated way more men than women. I tell myself all sorts of things like maybe I’m just straight, but also not really because I absolutely love women. I shame myself around my dating habits, telling myself I should date more women than I do.
8. Some people assume my orientation based on who I’m dating.I’m afraid that dating too many men will wipe out the fact that I’m bisexual. I mean when I’m dating a guy, people do assume that I’m straight. When I’m dating a woman, it’s assumed that I’m a big lesbo. I guess I care less about the assumption that I’m gay and more about the assumption that I’m straight. I’m proud of my queer identity!
9. I sometimes feel guilty about having perceived passing-straight privilege.It’s weird to be part of a marginalized community, but then to date a guy and have virtually no one know that I’m part of that community. I have a weird guilty thought when I’m with a guy I should be showing off my queerness. I guess I have my hair to make up for that!
10. Some people do identify as bisexual before they identify as gay, but not everyone.I’ve had this conversation with countless queer friends. There is some truth to bisexuality being a transitional phase. Some people who eventually identify as gay first identify as bisexual. This is totally cool and it’s their journey. I just hate when others assume that bisexuality is a phase for me, like one day I’m going to wake up straight or totally gay. Highly unlikely to happen, I’m pretty damn sure about my fondness of both sexes.
11. Finding the right communities and friends has helped me feel a part-of.Much of feeling misunderstood happened when I was a fledgling bisexual. I was in college and the people around me hadn’t developed grown-up queer people language. Now living in a city with a solid queer population, my community is very validating. Some of the fears and insecurities that are still hanging around are my own internalized shame rather than others saying inappropriate things to me. The right community has really embraced me and helped my identity feel valid.