My boyfriend and I had a great relationship until I experienced the loss of a loved one. I was a hysterical sobbing mess and in my grief, all I wanted to was to know that I had my boyfriend’s support. Instead, he showed me that he wasn’t willing to be there for me in my time of greatest need, and it led me to make a difficult decision about our relationship.
- I knew this would be a test for us. Up until that point, we’d been a happy-go-lucky couple that hadn’t had to face any real struggles. As I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into my own sorrow, something in the back of my mind was telling me that this was more than just a personal mountain for me — it was a challenge for us as a couple, and if we couldn’t navigate it, we’d have to reconsider whether or not it was a good idea to stay together.
- I admit that I wasn’t my best self. Grief did a number on me, and I’ll be the first to say that I wasn’t fun to be around. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was short-tempered, and I burst out crying at random times and in inconvenient places. But loving partners are supposed to support each other through thick and thin, right? I felt like I would’ve been a much better support system for my boyfriend if he’d gone through something similar, no matter how “difficult” he was.
- He wanted to avoid me while I was upset. All I wanted was for him to be around and hold me while I cried, but instead, he found every excuse to disappear when I needed him most. He started working later and hanging out at the bar longer, and even when we were physically apart, he’d leave me on read for hours before responding to my texts. He treated me like a burden and I soon started to feel like I really was one.
- I felt so alone. I don’t share my troubles with the world, so when I was struggling emotionally, all I wanted was for my boyfriend to be there for me. When I realized that he wasn’t going to be, I felt isolated. I didn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone else to begin with, and the implication that I was a nuisance to the person who was supposed to love me most just made me even less willing to open up to my friends and family. I knew there were other people in my life who would’ve been there for me if I’d given them the chance, but at the time, it sure didn’t feel that way.
- It made me feel even worse. I was already dealing with a lot, and when I felt abandoned by my boyfriend, I fell into an even deeper depression. He was supposed to help me feel better or at least support me until I was able to function but instead, he brought me even lower. I was now dealing not only with a devastating loss but also the realization that the person I thought loved me couldn’t be bothered to “deal” with me when I wasn’t my normal self.
- I knew I deserved better. I didn’t want to deal with even more conflict while I was in the midst of grieving, but as I started to cope better, my eyes were opened to just how badly my boyfriend had handled the situation. So many of my gal friends had been through similar struggles and their partners had helped carry them through it. As much as I loved my boyfriend, I knew that there were plenty of other guys out there who could give me what he did and support me when times got tough. I was on my way out and he started to catch on.
- He came up with excuse after excuse. “I’m not good with emotions.” “I thought you’d want to be alone.” “You were too much for me to handle.” I heard it all from him, and each excuse was worse than the last. Never once did he accept responsibility for the way he’d treated me — instead of offering me a genuine apology and asking how he could fix things, he feigned ignorance and blamed everything and everyone but himself. If he’d been genuine with me and understood where he’d gone wrong, I would’ve been willing to work on things. But that didn’t happen and I knew there was no undoing the damage he’d done.
- I knew this was his true self. I tried to tell myself that this was just a fluke or a quirk, but my gut feeling told me that this was who he truly was. No matter what struggles I went through in the future, I’d get this same response from him, and I had to ask myself if I was willing to deal with that. The answer to my own question was a resounding “no,” and I had to come to terms with the fact that our relationship was over.
- How could I ever trust him again? The breakup was hard on both of us, and even though he (finally) offered to try to fix things, I knew that we had no chance of making it after what he’d done… or rather, hadn’t done. I need to be able to depend on my partner, and at this point, I knew that I couldn’t. I was better off being single than dating someone I couldn’t trust to be there for me when I needed him.
- I see now that I dodged a bullet. Although it hurt to break up with my boyfriend, I’m glad that I saw his true colors less than a year into the relationship instead of, say, after we’d gotten married and had kids. I’ll always be grateful for the good times we had, but that experience with him taught me a lot about the standards I should have in my relationships. I hope that he also learned that not supporting your partner can have serious consequences, but whether or not that lesson has sunk in for him, I’d never go back to him knowing what I know now.
