I’ve been with my partner for 10 years now and I absolutely love him to death. However, when I’m in bed with him, I fantasize about other guys. Some people would consider this a giant red flag but frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with it.
Almost everyone fantasizes about someone else. According to the 2015 survey by the sex toy company Lovehoney, 46% of women have thought about other men while in bed with their partners. They often fantasize about an ex-lover, colleague, or friend. This simply means that I’m not alone or doing something evil. It’s completely normal!
Men fantasize about other partners more than women anyway. Research by the University of Vermont revealed that 98% of men think about other women during sex while 80% of women claim to do the same under the sheets. Basically, I should never feel bad about myself because my partner is likely imagining another woman while he’s on top of me. Luckily, I don’t mind it at all!
It’s impossible to only think about my partner during sex. Sex experts say that fantasies and meditation are extremely alike, and I agree with them. When meditating, random thoughts always penetrate my mind, but according to meditation teachers, they don’t define me. My thoughts are just like dreams, no matter how innocent or dirty they are. I can’t control them and I’m not responsible for them. The same thing applies to sex; it’s impossible to empty my head and just focus on my partner. My mind wanders and thinks about a colleague, an ex, or the porn I just watched. Again, these fantasies don’t reflect my morality, mental health, or loyalty.
My fantasies are excellent orgasm tools. I’m not always up for sex. There are days when my mind is cluttered with personal problems, stressful schedules, and pending tasks. Sometimes, PMS just gets in the way and affects my sex drive. This is when my fantasies save the day. They turn me on and help me reach orgasm, which is a welcome development. Plus, it’s been scientifically proven that orgasms can lower the risks of heart problems and depression. Fantasizing is also beneficial for men, especially those who have erectile dysfunction because it helps them reach arousal. Simply put, it’s good for everyone.
Fantasizing isn’t cheating. My fantasies are all in my head. Every time I think about someone else to heighten my arousal, it’s completely innocent since I only use my thoughts to get in the zone. If I was going to turn these fantasies into reality, that’d be a different story.
Overanalyzing it is only going to stress me out and I don’t need that in my life. I used to question my morals and feel guilty when I catch myself thinking about other men. I came from a very religious family, so I thought I had a few screws loose or was simply being unfaithful. I let guilt consume me and I even doubted my own values and feelings toward my boyfriend. The result? It caused me anxiety, emotional stress, and low sexual satisfaction. It’s so not cool and I’m not doing it anymore.
I can’t fight attraction. I just can’t stop crushing on someone because I have a boyfriend. It’s normal that another guy can make me feel hot and bothered even if my relationship is super solid. But instead of flirting with that guy, I only daydream about all the naughty stuff I wish I could do to him. That’s way better and 100% harmless.
Welcoming my fantasies boosted my self-esteem. The moment I learned to embrace my dirty thoughts, I became more relaxed in bed. Celebrating my fantasies made me feel sexy as hell, which helped me achieve sexual satisfaction. Also, my partner loves it when I’m confident and unapologetic in bed, so that’s a plus.
Fantasies have the power to enhance sexual happiness. Sometimes sex can be boring, especially if you’re doing the same thing over and over. That’s one of the reasons we fantasize—these thoughts reveal our secret cravings. When I read a book about dominance and submission, this hot and dominant male fictional character became a huge part of my fantasies. I realized that I was looking for a little excitement in the bedroom. I wanted to experiment and try those “kinky” stuff. I discussed my fantasies with my partner and we decided to play them out. Best decision ever.
Some fantasies are meant to be shared, some aren’t. Revealing a few of my fantasies to my partner has deepened the intimacy between us, but I’m aware that some of my thoughts might also trigger relationship problems. I don’t tell him that an ex-lover has been occupying my mind because it’ll make him feel jealous and threatened. I learned to use my own judgment and knowledge. If I sense that sharing my fantasies will only bring us trouble, then it’s better for me to keep them warm and safe in my head.
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