My Boyfriend And I Are Getting Married, But We’re Not Going To Live Together

When we finally decided to get married, my boyfriend and I had one rule: we weren’t going to live together. That may seem counterintuitive but for us, it’s non-negotiable. Here’s why having separate apartments makes our relationship so much better.

  1. We want to choose when we’re together, not initiate time apart. Most couples get sick of each other at some point. Even if you love doing everything little thing together, there will be moments when you just can’t stand the sight of your partner. It’s temporary (at least it should be!) but it happens. My boyfriend and I want to choose when we’re together, not reach the point where we want to scream just looking at each other. By living apart, we’ll always have the option to be with each other when we want and not forced to be when we don’t.
  2. I’ve always preferred sleeping on my own. It’s always seemed weird to me that some people actually enjoy sleeping with someone else. Sex aside, I like having a bed to myself so I can sprawl out, toss and turn, and use the entire blanket whenever I feel like it. I’m also a very light sleeper and wake up at the slightest alteration in someone’s breathing pattern or twitch of a foot. And don’t even get me started on snoring.
  3. I cherish my alone time. As an introvert, I need space in order to recharge and recenter myself. No matter how much I love someone, I can’t be with them constantly. I’ve had a lot of trouble living with guys in previous relationships because a lot of people simply can’t comprehend why someone who loves them would need to be away from them sometimes. Luckily, my fiancé understands this completely and has never taken it personally.
  4. Our living preferences are worlds apart. Marriage is all about compromise, but sometimes you need to prioritize what you’re willing to settle for. My boyfriend and I are the opposite when it comes to living spaces—he likes clutter and lots of furniture and I like open spaces and minimalism. Obviously one or both of us could simply give in and pretend to adapt, but we decided that we’d rather compromise on more important aspects of our relationship, like when to have kids, than on what color to paint the kitchen.
  5. We make the most out of our time together. When you live with someone, it’s really easy to take them for granted. Living apart means that when we choose to be together, it’s because we’ve made a conscious decision. Inhabiting the same space isn’t always the same thing as being with each other, and we want to make sure that whenever we’re sharing a room or a home, we’re fully engaged and make the most of it.
  6. We love our apartments way too much to give either of them up. When we got engaged, my one caveat was that I would never give up my apartment. It’s been my home since I graduated college and it holds more of my heart than any inanimate object I’ve ever owned. We’d already agreed that we if we got married, we wouldn’t live together, so it worked out just fine. My boyfriend moved to an apartment a block away and we each get our own bathroom. What’s not to love?
  7. We’re both incredibly independent. It can be hard to date someone who hates being tied down, but I can promise you it’s even harder when “difficult to tie down” describes both people in the relationship. My boyfriend and I have our own lives and it makes our relationship stronger. By living apart, we’re ensuring that we never feel claustrophobic and that our independence is never compromised. In fact, we’re probably closer than we would be if we lived together.
  8. Being unconventional sets a good precedent. We were a little reluctant about marriage because we’ve seen relationships change for the worse after the wedding and we didn’t want ours to follow suit. We want to make our commitment official while still making it clear that our relationship isn’t bound by the normal rules. By choosing to live apart, we’re following a different path, which sets us up to be more flexible and open-minded about how to navigate our lives in the future.
  9. There’s no resentment about who does the housework. Studies show that women continue to do more housework than their male partners regardless of their respective ages, careers, or incomes, which can create enormous tension in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have completely avoided this by simply having our own homes. He does all his housework, I do all mine. Problem solved.
  10. We’re equal in everything. A lot of couples have difficulty deciding how to share their finances, career commitments, and homes, but my fiancé and I don’t have to worry about any of it. We have our own apartments, careers, and bank accounts, meaning that we never have to worry whether one person is getting more out of the relationship than the other. We’ve chosen to keep some of our lives separate so that the things we share are meaningful and not overshadowed by guilt or resentment.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.