My Boyfriend & I Only Have Sex Once A Month & We’re Happier Than Ever

If you’d told me a year ago that my boyfriend and I would choose to not have sex on a regular basis, I would’ve said you were crazy. I’m a highly sexual person, but after a few months of uninspired sex, we decided to see what would happen if we took a break for awhile. We were hoping it might help ease some of the stress in our daily lives, but we had no idea that it would totally change our relationship. Here’s how things have changed:

  1. We don’t argue nearly as much as we used to. Everyone always says that there’s nothing as hot as angry sex, and while it can sometimes be really pleasurable, it never makes the cause of the disagreement go away and usually makes it a bigger deal later on. Knowing that we won’t have sex as an outlet or a diversion makes my boyfriend and me really conscious of what disagreements we choose to blow out of proportion.
  2. Our stress levels have gone down. One of the reasons we rarely fight anymore is that we’re just a lot more chill around each other. Sex had started to feel like an obligation or something that we both relied on to make our relationship feel more intimate on the days we rarely saw each other. But routine sex ends up adding stress, not taking it away. Now that we’ve stopped trying to force sexual intimacy all the time, our stress within the relationship has been erased almost entirely.
  3. There’s no guilt. Everyone knows what it’s like to get home after a long day at work and want to just put sweatpants on and chill in front of the TV for the night. This always seemed to happen to one of us when the other was in the mood and we’d always end up feeling hurt and guilty. Now that we’ve agreed to a once a month policy, we’re never disappointed by the totally human experience of just not wanting it some nights. One of us can come home grumpy and antisocial and know that there’s no expectation of sex when we get home. It’s totally liberating.
  4. We’re a lot more romantic. How could not having sex be more romantic than having sex? I used to think that sex and romance were the same thing and that without sex, there would be no relationship. But it turns out that when sex isn’t a shortcut to emotional and physical intimacy, you’re forced to notice the little things that you may have started to take for granted. Now, all the little things that brought us together in the first place are back to being the most special things in our relationship.
  5. We spend more quality time together. It’s kind of weird, but we’ve been acting like we did when we first started dating. We’re both really independent and were always fine doing our own thing, but now we’re almost always together. Physical attraction is a necessity in a relationship but being reminded why you’re totally in love with being in their presence is where the magic happens, and we can’t seem to get enough of each other these days.
  6. Sex isn’t the only form of physical affection. Sex isn’t the only way to show your love for your partner, but sometimes it’s easy to fall back on. There is something so beautiful and comforting about an arm around the waist or a wordless shoulder squeeze after a long day. Even just a kiss on the cheek can say a thousand things. While sex is definitely important, these little gestures that have nothing to do with it are what truly brings two people together.
  7. We’ve learned so much more about each other. A lot of sex is intuitive, which is amazing, but there’s a lot that gets lost in the process no matter how psychic you are. These days, before we go to bed, we talk and I can’t believe how much we didn’t know about each other before. And if you’re one of those people who thinks they know everything about their significant other, trust me, you don’t. There’s always more to learn.
  8. We have more time. You may not have realized, but sex takes up a lot of time. Now that we’re having a lot less sex than we used to, my boyfriend and I have been noticing how much less hurried we are in the mornings or when we go to bed at nice. Sex always made us feel rushed, even when we really wanted it, but now we have time to cook breakfast together in the mornings and take extra long showers. Who knew less sex could make you more relaxed?
  9. The anticipation is the best part anyway. So full disclosure, some of us are addicted to “the thrill of the chase,” and being in a relationship can be really hard for anyone who can’t get enough of that first rush of excitement when you make eye contact with someone for the first time. So you might be surprised to hear that taking a break from sex might just be your ticket to the best of both worlds. Building anticipation is the single best way to achieve that “new relationship” feeling and nothing builds anticipation like setting a date for sex every month.
  10. It makes each moment that much more powerful. Sex has always been an incredibly important part of our relationship, and still is. But you’d be shocked at how sexy once a month can be. Apart from all the non-sex related miracles that I’ve mentioned, the actual sex changes as well. Every sensation is heightened, every moment feels longer. Every second counts, and the level of connection is unreal.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.