My Boyfriend Judges Other Women & I’m Afraid He’s Secretly Doing The Same To Me

I swear my boyfriend’s overly critical personality only became apparent after we started dating. Perhaps at first he was easily pleased with everything he saw or he wanted to be on his best behavior, but now he’s as judgmental about other women as Gretchen Wieners in Mean Girls and I’m sick of it.

  1. He criticizes qualities in other women that I have too. He makes snide comments about the outfit of someone passing by that’s made up of the same clothes in my closet. He’s even made negative comments on fake blondes when he knows I dye my hair blonde. When I mention these parallels, he always makes me an exception to his dumb rules. I don’t want to be exempt from judgment just because I’m part of some special inner circle, I want to be accepted because I am who I am.
  2. His negativity is toxic. Picture having wine and cheese on the beach and watching the sunset snuggled up to your boyfriend. Perfect, right? Apparently not. He’s the first to draw attention to that little kid making too much noise, that group of girls taking sunset selfies, or those two guys incorrectly throwing a football. What does it matter? We’ve all been loud, we’ve all taken a good selfie, and excuse me but you’re no Tom Brady!
  3. It pressures me to be perfect. The truth is, I’ve lost my confidence around him. I used to think my perfection lay in my acceptance of my imperfections. I was happy to not do my hair, wear makeup, or look silly trying something new. However, his constant criticisms of what he considers imperfections in others have slowly worn away at me and made me much more self-conscious around him.
  4. What does he think about himself? Trust me, this man is no god! He’s either a full-blown narcissist who thinks he is the image of perfection OR he’s just as human and flawed as all the people he judges. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. I wouldn’t consider my boyfriend vain, but I will say that he’s surprisingly sensitive to criticism for someone who dishes it out so easily. My guess (because he’d never talk about it) is that he has insecurities that he tries to equalize by bringing down those around him.
  5. He can’t accept differences of opinion. It really amazes me that someone born in a globally connected world is naïve enough to think that they were lucky enough to be born more right than everyone else. Having an intellectual conversation with him immediately turns into an argument because instead of learning from the other person, he thinks he’s being attacked. He’s a “bury your head in the sand” kind of guy and I think the fear of knowledge is what makes him so quick to judge.
  6. It’s commonly about Instagram. Hello, it’s 2018! Instagram is the new trending thing and if you can’t get on board with that then you’re the odd one out. When he sees people pose for photos, he immediately goes on this rant about how people only post their ideal life on Instagram. Here’s the catch: he also uses Instagram and only posts photos of him doing cool stuff…
  7. It consumes him and he gets distracted. I worry that his constant brain energy is negative and looking for his next victim. Quiet dinners are never just between him and me— there’s at least one other member to the party. I don’t know who they are, but if I wait long enough, I’ll soon hear about how what they’re doing is wrong. When I mention releasing himself from this consumption of judgments, he accuses me of going hippy spiritual on him. WTF?
  8. I worry about introducing him to friends. I’ve spent many years growing into the most beautiful friend group. It took quirky people, acceptance, love, and shared interests. These are all steps my boyfriend doesn’t seem to want to make. He’s so quick to judge dietary choices, free-spirited practices, and untappable confidence. These are all things that make my social circle so special and I cringe at what he thinks when he meets them.
  9. We run out of things to talk about. I’m not a judgmental person. I find it pointless, exhausting, and negative. I’m much happier to accept that I’m not a psychic or an expert in human behavior and therefore release myself of that self-assigned job. Conversations between us have literally stopped dead because I refuse to partake in his invaluable gossip.
  10. His judgments are a sliding scale. Look, if you’re going to be a critical person, then at least be consistent! He’ll criticize a stranger on something that he wouldn’t even notice a friend doing. It’s very difficult to gauge how he’s going to feel when his opinions are all over the map. The real truth is, it’s hard to even care anymore if you have no idea how he’s going to react anyway, and I don’t mean that in a good way.
Rebecca is a freelance writer, obsessive skier, and avid yogi. When she's not in the alpine or on the mat, she is running Subjectively Me, a blog from which she inspires people to feel shamelessly honest.