My Boyfriend Loves Watching Sex Online & It Makes Me Feel Uncomfortable & Insecure

I’m cool with my boyfriend watching sex on the internet, but when I’ve watched it with him in the past, I couldn’t help getting all insecure. I know he doesn’t expect me to live up to the fantasies he’s watching out onscreen, but that hasn’t kept me from worrying about these things:

  1. Would he date her? The women in sex online aren’t just attractive — they’re flawless from head to toe, which makes me wonder if they’re his type in real life. I know it’s silly but I find myself wondering: if he met such a woman in real life, would he want her instead of me? I mean, of course he’s attracted to these women. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be getting off on them.
  2. Is he settling for me? What if he’s content with me but women who look like that are the ones he really, really wants? Okay, here’s when I have to reel myself in and remind myself that erotic stars are just like Hollywood actors: they look perfect, but they might not be so in real life. Besides, what’s so irresistible about a woman who’s showing every crevice of her naked body to the whole world?
  3. Would he cheat on me? I’m not the only one who worries that if a guy likes online sex so much, he might not only be addicted to watching sex online but could cheat. Research has found that men who watch sex might be more prone to fooling around behind their partners’ backs. The reason is because sex on the internet reinforces the belief that there are many willing people out there to have sex with. Great, so now that’s something else to worry about. Ugh.
  4. Does he need this to get off? I know that watching sex online can be a good way to bond with my partner, like by trying out something different, but I can’t help but worry that he’ll need this stuff to get turned on. What if I’m not enough for him? Still, we’ve had sex many times without watching sex online, so maybe I’m just being ridiculous here.
  5. Does he not find my body attractive? When I look in the mirror, I’m quite harsh on myself. When I watch sex, I take this body insecurity to another level. I find myself thinking my boyfriend sees flaws in the places where I do because he’s possibly comparing my body to those of the erotic actresses. I know I’m really just projecting my own body worries onto him, but I can’t help it.
  6. Does he want a woman who does that? Sometimes watching sex online can get really crazy. Women might be into certain acts that I wouldn’t want to do in real life, like butt and bondage. So I sit there wondering if my boyfriend would want a girlfriend who does those things in bed, and worrying that I fall short because I’m not doing them.
  7. Do I sexually satisfy him? Worrying that he wants much more in the bedroom makes me fear that I’m not satisfying him sexually, even though he’s told me that I do. It’s just that everyone looks like they’re having so much fun in online sex and the best sex of their lives that it’s easy to feel inadequate when watching it.
  8. Does he imagine her when we’re together? One of the worst insecurities I have is that the sex we watch will seep into our sex life, causing him to imagine he’s with one of the erotic actresses during sex instead of me. Talk about making me feel like crap.
  9. Is he trying to tell me what he wants in bed? Just because a guy talks about his sexual desires and fantasies doesn’t mean that he’s always going to feel comfortable talking about some of them with his partner. I worry that my boyfriend will hope that by watching sex, I’ll get the idea that he really wants certain things in the bedroom that he’s too shy to tell me.
  10. Does he hate that I’m laughing at this? I can’t help it. Sometimes watching sex online is so ridiculous that I have to laugh out loud at it, like the way women have such screaming orgasms and the lack of a believable storyline (yes, I want sex with a plot). I even have to fight the urge to scream out, “That’s so fake!” at the women from time to time. When I can’t fight these impulses, I worry that I seem jealous AF — not exactly attractive.
  11. Does he think I’m a prude? I just can’t get off on watching sex online. I can’t seem to get into a sexy mood when watching it, perhaps because I’m feeling so tense from my fears and the funny bits crack me up. But this honesty makes me worry that I’m coming across as prudish or a killjoy to my boyfriend. This, in turn, makes me feel even less sexy than when I started watching the sex that’s supposed to boost sexual feelings. FML! I think next time, I’ll just give watching sex on the internet a skip.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.