My Boyfriend Refused To Move In With Me But I Don’t Blame Him

After about a year of dating, I asked my boyfriend to move in with me. Obviously, I didn’t expect him to decline the offer. I was upset at first, but eventually realized it might be a blessing in disguise.

  1. Moving in together too soon can cause issues. Plenty of couples have broken up shortly after moving in because they didn’t realize what it would be like. It’s often because they weren’t familiar enough with their partner’s habits or finances. Giving time to really get to know each other before moving in is important for setting healthy expectations. There’s really no rush, so we should take the time to find out more about each other’s personality and living habits.
  2. We’re delaying the comfort stage. There comes a time in every relationship where you get to a point of being overly comfortable. You stop making as much effort as you used to and things aren’t as exciting anymore. It’s not because you don’t love each other, but you may start taking them for granted without even noticing. Moving in together tends to speed up the arrival to this stage since you’re around your partner all the time, and I’d rather preserve the mystery and excitement of our relationship for as long as possible.
  3. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder. I see my boyfriend about twice a week and that’s probably enough. It actually makes us miss each other when we’re apart so we appreciate the time we do have together. We feel excited and happy every time we see each other again, which probably wouldn’t happen if we lived together 24/7. Also, the sex is better because we want each other more. Distance doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.
  4. We can spend time by ourselves. Once we move in together, moments of solitude will be hard to come by. Everyone needs to be alone from time to time, and delaying our move-in will give us the opportunity to continue spending time alone and work on our individual growth and self-care. We’ll also be more inclined to spend time with friends and family instead of each other, which strengthens our other relationships.
  5. Our finances aren’t exactly in order. Money problems are likely the main cause of fights between couples who live together. My partner and I should probably consider moving in together only after we have solid career tracks and we discuss our financial expectations for each other. No one likes talking about money, but how else are you supposed to figure out who’s paying what? It’s an uncomfortable discussion but a very necessary one.
  6. Both of us should be ready. Living together means different things for different people. For some, it’s a huge step towards the next level in a relationship; for others, it’s just a way to spend more time with your partner or even just share rent. Regardless of their reasons, we should respect our partner’s decision and wait until they’re comfortable. After all, it’s a pretty major commitment.
  7. OK, I’ll say it: he’s a slob. I’m a notorious neat freak. Everything has to be clean and in its place for me to have peace of mind. Meanwhile, my boyfriend leaves clothes on the floor, crumbs on the table, and pillows overturned. His car is full of trash and his bedroom is in constant disarray. It all makes me a little frantic, so I’ll cherish the time I have in my perfectly neat home while I can.
  8. I didn’t get my way and that’s OK. Sometimes it’s good when the universe lets you know you can’t always have what you want. Many of us are so used to instant gratification and getting our way that we often take things for granted. A setback every now and then lets us appreciate what we already have and learn to accept when things don’t work out.
  9. It’s better to do it when the timing is right. In the end, if the moment feels wrong then it probably is. Even though the timing felt right to me, it’s valuable to consider another perspective of the situation. After he told me he didn’t think he should move in, I realized the timing couldn’t possibly be right if he felt that way, so I let it go. In time, I even came around to agreeing with his perspective.
  10. It’ll make us appreciate it more later. I do wish I could spend my evenings with him and wake up beside him every morning, and that’s definitely going to happen further down the line, so why sweat it? We’ll move in together eventually, so holding off on it now won’t do anything but make it that much sweeter when it finally happens.
Bolde has been a source of dating and relationship advice for single women around the world since 2014. We combine scientific data, experiential wisdom, and personal anecdotes to provide help and encouragement to those frustrated by the journey to find love. Follow us on Instagram @bolde_media or on Facebook @BoldeMedia