How To Bring Up Your Kinky Needs To A Vanilla Partner Without Making It Awkward For Either Of You

You’ve been seeing this guy for a few months and the sex is great, but you still haven’t told him about your kinkier side. You’re a little anxious about how he’s going to take it considering he’s totally vanilla. Here’s how to open up to him about your sexual desires without making it awkward for either of you.

Ask him what he likes in bed.

Not many guys get the opportunity to actually make their likes and dislikes in bed known. They just figure it’s their job to please you and that’s it. How will you ever know what he really likes unless you ask him? He’ll be a bit surprised by the question, especially if you guys have never talked about your sexual desires before. Maybe he’ll see this as his opportunity to finally bust out of his vanilla shell and confess his kinky desires to you.

Get him to talk about his sexual fantasies.

 Remember, these are just things that he thinks about, not things he actually wants to act on. There’s a difference there. Ask him what he thinks about when he masturbates, just out of curiosity—if anything he says sounds of interest to you, ask him if he’d ever want to do it in real life. Once you start the conversation, you’re well on your way to the real deal.

Start with PG stuff.

Why not introduce him to some soft kink? See how he reacts to some light biting or you tell him to spank you harder next time you’re getting intimate. You don’t want to go all out and ask him to tie you up and flog you on the behind with a carrot in your mouth—just start with some child’s play and see where it goes from there. Everything in due time…

Make it fun.

Just be silly with it and he’ll think it’s cool. He may relate kink to serious, violent behavior, so this is your perfect opportunity to show him it’s not as inappropriate or demeaning as he thinks. Make a joke or two and keep the mood light and fun. It’ll just feel like regular sex to him with a bit of a fun twist.

Let him know there’s never any pressure to do what you ask.

Before he totally judges you for wanting him to spit on your face or call you a “bad girl,” tell him that these are all just suggestions. You don’t need him to do any of these things for you to get off, it’s just something fun to try. Just don’t turn it into some kind of ultimatum (unless it is for you, in which case you may need to end the relationship). Keep reassuring him that it’s just for fun and not how you want to have sex every single day for the rest of your life.

Ask him how he feels about certain kinky activities.

 Ask him what he thinks of kinky activities like spanking, bondage, etc. and more importantly, how he feels about them. If you’re dealing with a vanilla guy, he’ll have hang-ups about hitting you even if it’s consensual and part of sex. If you find out the reason why he’s cringy about these things in the first place, it’ll help to open up the dialogue to eventually start talking about things he’s actually OK with.

Do some verbal roleplay.

If he’s agreed to drop his vanilla ways for the evening, try some subtle verbal roleplay AKA dirty talk to get the ball rolling. It’ll hopefully stave off any awkwardness… although dirty talk can be awkward in and of itself. If it’s just not clicking, you could always give him some names to call you or ask him if you can touch parts of his body and get him to respond yes or no. It seriously works.

Ask him to hold you down.

If he’s squeamish about more physically dominant stuff, he’ll probably at least be OK with holding you down. It doesn’t have to be overly forceful or violent, but it’ll probably do it for you and if he’s into it, you’re basically giving him the gateway drug to kink.

Give him specific phrases to say to you.

If he’s at a loss on how to act or what to say, tell him the words that make you shiver inside. Or better yet, ask him to come up with some words he feels OK calling you. They key is to try different things out and see how they feel. You’ll eventually find something that works for both of you.

Set aside time to discuss it.

The best and most mature way to get your kinky point across is to just tell him about it. It’s a lot more common to desire these experiences than you realize and any judgment coming from him is probably based in fear or insecurity (though hopefully there won’t be any judgment at all or you’re probably with the wrong person). Knowing he’s vanilla, go for it at a vanilla pace and maybe he’ll turn into a chocolate swirl. You never know!

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