I broke up with my boyfriend of four years because instead of making me a priority, he put himself first every single time. The experience taught me that being with someone who doesn’t value you is worse than being alone and now I know better than to ever put myself in that position again.
He was clueless about communication. Our fights were never resolved, they were just put on hold. We’d call a superficial truce and move on with our relationship because he thought that was the best way to handle things, but I knew better. Nothing was ever fixed because he didn’t want to take the time to talk things out. He never cared to learn what it was that prompted the fight in the first place, which meant we typically had the same fight over and over again.
He got lazy about keeping the romance alive. It’s definitely possible to get too comfortable with your partner after you’ve been together for a while—that’s why you have to actually make an effort to keep things interesting. Date nights can’t always be the same and conversations have to be diverse. My ex-boyfriend didn’t understand that… or maybe he did but he didn’t care to do anything about it. Our relationship became stagnant because whenever I tried to be spontaneous, he’d turn me down in favor of the same old boring routine.
He avoided talking about the future. Sure, we were young, but we weren’t teenagers. We were at the age where our friends were getting married and having kids and even though I wasn’t ready for that (and he sure as hell wasn’t), I still would’ve thought he’d make some kind of reference to the future. He never did. Frankly, it didn’t seem like I was part of his long-term plans at all, which should’ve been the biggest red flag ever.
He never seemed excited about me. When we walked into a room, he didn’t make it known that we were dating. He didn’t hide the fact that I was his girlfriend, but he certainly didn’t go out of his way to introduce me as such or even make me feel like we were in a relationship when we were out. He didn’t compliment me in public (or in private), he didn’t tell people about my accomplishments, and he never talked me up to his friends. He just wasn’t excited to be with me and that seriously sucked.
He never put me first or considered me in his decisions. He always thought of himself first and in hindsight, I guess I can’t really blame him. He was young, naive, and trying to get his life together. Still, he was overly selfish to the point that not only was I never a priority in his life, I wasn’t even a consideration in any of his decisions. He didn’t ever stop to think how the things he did or said would affect me and he didn’t really care how they did after the fact. He clearly wasn’t ready for a relationship.
He seemed uninterested in sex with me. As weird as this sounds, it didn’t seem like he wanted to sleep with me. I mean, he was into it whenever we did the deed and he finished every time, but it never seemed like he really yearned for me if that makes sense. He never went out of his way to please me sexually, he never made me feel sexy or even told me I was. If it weren’t for his semen in the condom, I would’ve never thought he enjoyed himself.
He never paid attention. I don’t consider myself boring, but I do understand that not everything I say is Pulitzer-worthy. My ex probably didn’t care to hear everything that came out of my mouth, but instead of choosing to listen to my words because he loved me, he’d typically ignore me and make it clear that’s what he was doing. It would go in one ear and out the other to the point that he never even remembered the important stuff I said either because he was so tuned out.
He only ever talked about himself. He was his favorite topic. He loved talking about himself and spending time thinking about himself. Like I said, he was getting his life together. He was just out of college and trying to carve out a path in the adult world, which is never easy, sure, but come on. There’s a difference between focusing on yourself and being downright obsessed with yourself.
He kept trying to change me. It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of someone and totally ignore who they actually are. I’m pretty sure this is what happened with my ex and why everything eventually came crashing down. He was constantly trying to make me into the woman he wanted but I wasn’t that person and could never become her. If he wouldn’t choose me as I was, I had to get out—and that’s exactly what I did.
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