I dated him for six months and the sex was consistently bad. No matter what we tried—a different position, toys, etc.—it never improved and it caused me to walk away from him. Unfortunately, there were unexpected consequences in store.
Every experience was disappointing. Sadly, the guy never satisfied me during sex. I hardly had orgasms for one, but it was more than that. I just didn’t feel like our sexual needs and the importance of our relative pleasure were on the same page. I had to masturbate a lot in that relationship because I just wasn’t getting what I needed from him.
He was great outside the bedroom. He might not have been an amazing lover but he was dateable for many other reasons. He always made me laugh and we had fun together. He was a lot of fun to be around and I enjoyed spending time with him… just not in the bedroom.
I started dreading sex. Whenever he initiated sex, I would try to find an excuse. I hated that I was becoming someone who faked headaches to get out of being intimate with my partner but I just couldn’t seem to go through the motions anymore.
I knew I had to talk to him about it. I couldn’t go on like that anymore so I plucked up the courage to tell him that my needs weren’t being met in the bedroom. It was really tough to have this conversation but I forced myself to be upfront and direct about my feelings. I suggested we try more foreplay and that he stop rushing to the climax (his climax, I should mention).
Things went further south and I knew it was over. Instead of things improving in the bedroom and him taking more time to please me in the way I wanted, things remained the same. Sleeping with him was just as awful as it ever was. I wasn’t sure if I could date someone long-term who just didn’t do it for me in bed, so I decided it was time to break up with him.
I actually missed him after we ended things. The breakup was really hard and I think it was tougher on me. From a few hours after the breakup, I really started to miss my ex. I felt like I’d made a huge mistake by cutting him out of my life over sex. Had I been stupid and superficial to do so?
I forced myself back on the dating scene. After two months of being single, I re-entered the dating game. I had a few blind dates and tried to meet a guy on a dating app. I came to see just how hard it was to find a great guy. My ex had been a really good boyfriend aside from being bad at sex and I was just realizing it. Damn, it hurt to think I’d pushed him away.
Good sex didn’t satisfy me. I felt like karma was out to punish me for breaking up with such a great guy. I had sex with other guys I dated but even when the sex was amazing, the guys were full of crap. They were either just looking for sex or ended up showing me their true bad boy colors which sent me running for the hills… and back to good relationship memories of my ex.
Maybe being 100% satisfied is a myth. I started to wonder if it was a huge relationship myth that I could be completely satisfied with someone. Maybe a partner was never going to make me happy all the time and in every area of the relationship. Maybe I had to accept that.
I called my ex. With my heart in my throat, I picked up my phone, called, him, and asked him out to dinner. He accepted! After spending some time with him in real life, I could see he wasn’t over me either. We started dating again and I thought that my problems were over. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I still wasn’t happy with him, the relationship, or the sex. He seemed to try new things but the problem was deeper. It was about us not having any sexual chemistry at all. This wasn’t something we could work on. It was never going to change no matter how much I wanted it to.
I realized I was settling. So what if I was being petty about wanting a satisfying sex life? I deserved to have that! I didn’t want to settle for a guy who only made me happy in some areas of our relationship. It was better to hold out for the right guy who would be able to hit all those sweet spots inside and outside the bedroom. My happiness was ultimately the most important thing and it was so empowering to realize that. I broke up with the guy again, this time for good. As great, funny, and sweet as he was, he wasn’t enough for me. I wanted much, much more.
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