Dating can be tricky and difficult. It’s hard to know what someone is really like in the beginning. As jaded as it sounds, you have to watch for warning signs and red flags. Definitely ask yourself the question: does he like who he is? If he doesn’t, you’re in for a world of trouble:
- He’s insecure and that’s never going to work out. If he doesn’t like who he is, he’s obviously lacking in self-confidence. That spells trouble for any future between the two of you. Regardless of whether you are a secure person or not, the dynamic won’t be healthy. You have to build from a foundation that is strong and stable. His insecurity will translate into all kinds of dysfunctional and possibly hurtful behavior towards both you and himself.
- He’s jealous that you’re comfortable with who you are. He was most likely attracted to your self-assurance and strength, but strangely enough, he’s also jealous of it. People are often drawn to those very qualities they wish that they themselves possessed. He might not even be aware that he does it, but because he’s jealous, he’ll often try to undermine the way you feel about yourself. That’s unacceptable.
- His hangups end up bringing you down also. It’s difficult to stay upbeat and positive if you’re always around someone who is the opposite. People tend to change their attitudes to adjust to those closest who they spend the most time around. You’ll probably end up doing the same, and it won’t feel right. It’ll make you feel bad about yourself and the relationship. That’s not a healthy place to be.
- He judges you, secretly or otherwise. He’s unhappy with who he is so he tends to be quite critical of everyone else as well. This is a common quality of insecure people. He is so used to the voice in his head criticizing him all the time that he thinks it’s normal to be that judgmental. It’s not necessarily his fault, but he needs to work it out. It’s not fair to you to have someone nitpicking you all the time.
- He’ll take it out on you when he’s feeling bad. Instead of maturely recognizing that his own shit is causing the problem, not you, he’ll likely lash out when he’s feeling insecure or vulnerable. He doesn’t know any better. It’s unfortunate and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. Maybe he’ll figure it all out and change one day, but you can’t stick around to see. He might never change.
- He wastes energy pretending to be something he’s not, and he expects you to do the same. He can’t stand to be himself, so he spends a lot of time developing the image he wants to present to the world. His life is a sham. It’s sad, and it’s exhausting, and it’s too much to keep up. He’s most likely tired and discouraged all the time from this front he’s presenting, and the fact that he expects you to go along with it creates constant strain between the two of you.
- When you disagree, he gets petty quickly. He jumps right into fighting dirty – it’s all he knows how to do. When he feels threatened his immediate response is to defend himself at all costs, even if that means hurting you. He doesn’t understand how to argue and debate and disagree like an emotionally mature human being – because he isn’t one. He’ll say horribly hateful things to you with no regard for how they affect you, because he only thinks of himself.
- He puts your every fault under extreme scrutiny. You can’t be yourself with him because he expects perfection of you. He expects it of himself, too, but he’s always disappointing himself. It’s like that’s all he knows so he sets you up to disappoint him as well. He can’t accept anyone’s human flaws and differences. He’ll make you feel terrible about yourself, and you didn’t build up your confidence just to have some guy ruin it.
- You’ll never feel comfortable around him. How could you? He absolutely does not allow you to be yourself. His discomfort with his own self-image makes you feel ill at ease and awkward in his presence. It’s impossible to be your fun, free, silly, goofy self – and you deserve to be with someone who not only allows you to be that person, but embraces and revels in your uniqueness. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t appreciate it.
- The relationship is basically doomed. Okay, not basically. It’s definitely doomed unless you’re a masochist who loves to be unhappy. You can’t build something loving and lasting with a person who doesn’t even love himself. You’ll never make him satisfied, even if you kill yourself trying, because you can’t give him something he must build within his own soul. He’ll never make you happy because he won’t give you what you need from a partner.
