I Know We Can’t Be Together, But I Still Fantasize About My Ex

My ex was the kind of guy who literally made me weak in the knees and turned me in ways no other guy ever has, and when we dated, I couldn’t get enough of him. Even though I’ve come to accept that we’re terrible for each other and can never be together again, it doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about him.

  1. I often wonder if I’m actually over him since I still want to sleep with him. I’m at the point where, even if he asked me out, I’d never say yes. At the same time, what does wanting to sleep with him mean? Am I actually over him, or am I fooling myself?
  2. I know he’s bad for me, and that makes me feel conflicted. To a point, this issue has forced me to separate sex and love. I know he’s a bad match, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to ride him until his ankles go numb.
  3. He shows up constantly in my sex dreams. Yep. Not going to lie, it happens.
  4. I’ve used these fantasies as masturbation material. I know I’m not alone in this one, and to a point, I’m relieved I only think of exes during solo rounds. Most people will end up thinking of someone they know during their masturbation time, and around 1/2 of all people have thought of an ex during sex with their current partner.
  5. I’m kind of embarrassed that I still think about him after so long. Logically speaking, I should have forgotten about him by now. I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me, or if it subconsciously interferes with my love life. However, it’s more of a passing whim than anything else, so I don’t think it’s too big an issue.
  6. Admittedly, I fantasize about him less and less as time goes on. Was he great in bed? Yes, but as I get older, I meet more guys, and my fantasies about him are now starting to fade away. I’m pretty certain that I can find someone just as good, if not better, than him in bed.
  7. The way I fantasize about him teaches me a lot about sexual chemistry. I’ve learned, primarily because of those fantasies, that I don’t want a lukewarm sex life. If I’m going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I will absolutely, positively need to have that kind of fiery spark in the bedroom. Otherwise, I’m going to be disappointed as all hell.
  8. It’s not hurting anyone, so it’s really no big deal. It’s just a fantasy, and I’ve made a point to stay away from him. What we had was nice, but the fact is that it’s all in the past and I would never go back to him.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a New Jersey based writer and editor with bylines in Mashed, Newsbreak, Good Men Project, YourTango, and many more. She’s also the author of a safe travel guide for LGBTQIA+ people available on Amazon.

She regularly writes on her popular Medium page and posts on TikTok and Instagram @ossianamakescontent.