If You Can’t Be My Friend, Then You Definitely Can’t Be My Lover

I don’t want just another random guy in my bed. That’s sacred space, and I won’t allow just anybody for the sake of an orgasm. I want a guy I care about and that I can trust, a guy who’s there for more than just sex. In other words, I’m not just looking for a lover, I’m looking for a friend. If you’re not comfortable with both roles, you won’t be sleeping with me.

  1. Nothing is “just sex” to me. There’s nothing about sex that’s casual — at least, not in my life. I could never be blase about something I take so seriously. I’m not interested in a meaningless roll in the hay; intimacy actually means something to me. Sure, a quick hookup might feel good in the moment, but afterward, I’d just feel worthless. I want something more than that. I deserve more than that. If you can’t offer it, we should end things now.
  2. I won’t get intimate with my body if I can’t get intimate with my heart. Sex is all about intimacy, but I want it both ways. I want you to love my mind AND my body. I want to know that we can connect on an emotional level, not just a physical one. We can’t be strangers on the street and lovers in the sheets. Sex isn’t just about physical sensation, it’s about emotional connection. If both things are in place, the experience can be mind-blowing. Without it, I’m not interested.
  3. I want to know you actually care about me. I want the guy who’s sleeping next to me to actually care about more than getting laid — is that really too much to ask? I don’t think so. I feel like that should be a given, but for some reason, it’s not the common practice today. I’m done with my experimentation phase and I’ve sown all the wild oats I have. I’m looking to build a real relationship and I need you to be on the same page.
  4. I need a lover I can trust. I can’t trust someone I don’t even know. If we’re not even friends, what are we? F*ck buddies might as well be strangers, and I’m not going to trust a guy I barely know with my body. I need to know that especially when it comes to sex, you’ll take care of me, whether that means protection or respecting my limits. If I can’t feel safe with you, I can’t sleep with you.
  5. Every relationship should have a foundation of friendship. No matter if the relationship is more about sex or serious, long-term love, both need friendship at the root. We might only be building a really great sex life and not an actual future together, but this is still a relationship no matter what our official title may be. At the end of the night, we’re at least two friends who care about each other, and I wouldn’t want anything less.
  6. I deserve to be more than just your hookup buddy. I never want to be that low on your totem pole. I have self-respect and I know I deserve better than that. I deserve better from you. I’m willing to offer you all the perks of having a great friend and a committed partner all in one if you’re willing to offer me the same in return.
  7. I need to know you’ll make an effort. In terms of the effort required to maintain a relationship, friendship is probably the most low-maintenance of the batch. If you can’t even bring yourself to put in the bare minimum, why would I ever take things further? It’s really a no-brainer, as far as I’m concerned.
  8. If we can’t at least be friends, then we can’t be anything at all. Being my friend is the bare minimum here. I know that’s still a lot to ask, but not from someone who wants to spend the night in my bed. Bottom line—I don’t want a stranger sleeping next to me. Now is that really too much to ask?
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.